Brains!

This Blog

My blog could be considered a dangerous thing. I don't think it is. Everything I write is completely honest. Some posts are commentary, some posts are stories, some are boring, some are fun. Most often it's a window into the part of my subconscious that cannot be communicated verbally. It's meant to be the place I spill, organize and store my abstract hidden things. You can really access a lot about me through the blog, and it's partially there for that purpose. To find out the things I cannot say, and don't necessarily need to be said. But its also a tool for me, the process of writing/blogging is therapy in some sense. However, there's a lot missing. To read it, and to think that it is all of me, would be very wrong. That's why it can be misleading. A lot of people read it, and they misinterpret. No one really knows what I actually mean by a lot of the things I say, and that's not my problem. Like I said, its only there partially for the purpose of letting people into that part of me, the rest is there for me, for my subconscious to come out. To take it literally would be a dangerous thing for the reader.

Important Pieces

In that space where infinity above meets immensity below we see the first sign of a new dawn. Dark always gives way to light; for a brief moment nothing is forbidden, everything is possible. But what would we do if the light never came? Maybe we would lie down. Maybe we could go back to sleep. Maybe we could wake up. - Adbusters

The minute I heard my first love story I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was. Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere; they’re in each other all along. - Jelaluddin Rumi (1207-1273)

Adopt the pace of nature: Her secret is patience. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"The poet Rilke was afraid that if he got rid of his demons, he would lose his angels as well. Of course the danger of clinging to our demons to save our angels is that our demons may well take over." - Tim Farrington

Amnesia is not knowing who one is and wanting desperately to find out. Euphoria is not knowing who one is and not caring. Ecstasy is knowing exactly who one is-and still not caring.
- Tom Robbins

Sunday, June 3, 2007

I have so many moments interrupted by nauseated pain of disorientation. I expect to see someone sitting on my left, but all that’s there are windows. Olga says you have to mourn the end of relationships. She’s right. But I don’t know if I’m ready to mourn mine yet.

I finally did it, I cancelled WoW tonight, uninstalled it from my computer. And I had to so that I could move on either two paths, which are set before me. I haven’t the slightest clue which way to go, and I am so scared, and my face is so burnt with tears, I just want to forget all of this.

I just need to peer into the future, I need more time, I need to not be selfish, angry, I need to follow what I want for myself too though. I’m so sorry I don’t know, I’m so sorry I am putting you through this, I am so sorry…

3 comments:

chad was marco, June 7, 2007 at 3:36 PM: you know what i think i am?

i don't know.

i've almost fully avoided relationships.

i remember this feeling i used to get in high school. i never could figure out what it was. i always thought it was hunger or thirst and would try to fulfill it that way. sometimes at least that would distract me.

i'm really not sure what it was. i'm starting to think it's just something physical. nothing special. just bones pressing. muscle on ribs. ageing. dying. normal. objective.

but then i remember about emotional pain and how it can transform itself into physical problems.

i'm 90% sure i'm going to die of a heart attack. the other percent could be an accident.

but things are so pleasant. why not. it's like drinking water your whole life. never anything else. can't hurt.

like a roller coaster right. if we always end up back at ground level in the end, and you're afraid of going down, why ever go up.

blood thins and thickens. after a while bitter cold becomes just cold.

i don't know.

there is this thickness though. i get it sometimes before i fall asleep. it's always a negative thing. it combines the worst possible feeling of helplessness and despair with the feeling that i've never felt more human, more myself. somewhat terrifying.

during the day i like to think that it's due to something like an over-active imagination. i tend to over-exaggerate both good and bad. so things need to equal out at some time right.

but that's my first question.

i don't know.
Kully, June 7, 2007 at 4:30 PM: Sometimes I wonder if I am over thinking everything I do. And I mean everything. Why do I have to have more then a couple of T-shirts and pairs of shoes just in case? Why can't I just pay for a plane ticket and go? Why do I have to put labels on everything I do, and stress, and grow weeds of anxiety in my stomach? Can't I just let go of it all? Everything these days is complicated, we've evolved to become too complex for our own good. When we don't have to hunt for our own food, chase animals down and spear them, our minds turned to something else entirely. To thinking too much. I always say go with the flow. Just do what you want and screw the rest. If you're happy who cares, who fucking cares.
But then that whole roller coaster thing comes in, that stupid cliche "better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all". Is that really true? To climb so high, look down on the world that you used to know, and then into the eyes of the thing that you love, then fall down, rolling over rocks and through those weeds that are now twelve stories high to the bottom.
But I suppose that if you are truly just living, just going with the flow, the bottom may come and go but you would always know that another peak rises and not too far away. That you could climb back up, back to the happiness. Or maybe you wouldn't fall to begin with. Maybe you would be so satisfied it wouldn't matter. Or maybe the fall wouldn't happen, and you would just duck and roll to your feet, cross a bridge to another peak.
wow what did i just write?
chad was marco, June 7, 2007 at 8:21 PM: hahha. yeah. i want to think that everyone's lives are just the same no matter what they do. but then i think about the thrill seekers or people who have been/are being tortured.

so instead it's like we all just have the same way of communicating the different ways we've felt.

that seems to serve the opposite of what i'd hope, but is also probably the reason for over-exaggeration.

trying to explain and quantify the different levels of feeling by relating them to other levels is about the only thing that makes me want to write

This Blog

Important Pieces

Sunday, June 3, 2007

3 comments:

Post a Comment

About Me

Search This Blog

Blog Archive

Followers