Brains!

things are good most of the time. they are never great. sometimes they are okay, sometimes they are bad, the times that i cry, well those are the things not ready to be opened yet.

i'm considering having 'the talk' with Jordan. i mean really it's kind of pointless, but i don't know maybe i need to hear his intentions towards me right now. i have a lot to write about this, but i'm not sure how to approach it.

i think i might be happier if i were exercising again. i feel bloated and fat most of the time. When i'm exercising even if i haven't lost any weight, i feel better about myself. But i'm weird and i need to be in a gym to do it.

i hate how fickle my moods are. one minute i'm carefree, the next i'm a anxious lunatic, and right after that i'm irritable and grumpy. I don't want Jordan to have to deal with that. i hate myself for those qualities. My unappreciative side...

we went camping this weekend. i realize that i love sitting in and around rivers, creeks. they may even have replaced the ocean which seemed to be the primary facet of my heart for so many years as a teen.

i've started my internship with the National Park Service, the Santa Monica Recreation Area unit. it's nerve racking. i'm terrified of the responsibility. i'm terrified of the 9-5 m-f weeks that are ahead. i guess just get it done right. thats what i usual tell myself...get high school done, who cares. get college done, who cares. i never really care.

sometimes i feel as if all my priorities are completely backwards. that perhaps, i really am never going to do stuff for me. and that stuff that is me, isnt even real in the first place. that everything i think i am is backwards, or the opposite. that im deceiving myself.