Brains!

I can't stop daydreaming about a vacation. ANY vacation.

Me too. But yeah...I think...ack I don't want to go to ______, cause I like keeping it as this romanticized peripheral fantasy. I'm scared if I went something would I'd be disappointed. And it's perfect right now. It's ridiculous, and I know it's directly related to being dumped.

I can certainly understand it. Fantasies are usually ideal.

Yeah I have a lot of fantasies about a lot of things. I think I'd like Portland, but what if I don't? I do that with people too. Sigh..._______ is both persons and places. It's the dumbest thing in the world to be scared of what you don't know/tried etc. you wouldn't get anywhere without risk. But my heart is easily touched and shaken. I think that's why I guard it so much these days. It's soooo open, that I often get hurt.

Too often you sound like you've been swimming in my thoughts.

Indeed. Hive mind. We both respond well to positive encouragement, reassurance from folks. We're also the people who more often get reaaaaly hurt.

Seriously.

I've got a lot of British cynicism. And 'the glass is half empty' syndrome, 'I'm not good enough' complex. That often is my defense against getting hurt. I always think the worst will happen, so when it does I'm prepared. Although this past year, that's decreased a lot, and almost to non-existence. One of the reasons why I'm so interested in friends. Friends don't break up with you, ya know....well...the pain resulting is different when they do. My recent break up seems so distant, but its like my subconscious is shutting down to anything that might bring me back to that place. Sooo...I have no interest in anything but close friendships. Even though I think some where I long for that other thing.

Sounds like some disassociation.

I'm definitely disconnected from many things...or rather...somethings are there but I can't make the connection. Which is why [somethings] that have happened between us have been so meaningful, powerful, and I've grown exponentially in a short time. I'm getting everything I want from my experiences, and I'm often sublimely happy. I'm interested to see what I can bring together from all my learned experiences.