An Evolution of Thought

I don't remember how to make friends. I went through a period of having very close friends, to shutting myself in a needy fortress and spent countless hours in a dumb computer game. I think I mean to say, it's been so long since I made friends with someone in person, that I can't do it anymore. In other ways I feel like I'm letting things tie me down. In some ways I feel like the tone of Nashville changed when we moved in to this house. Almost like this house has some part to play in my sluggishness. I am never satisfied after I clean it. It always seems to need more, all the kitchen cabinets need to be torn out and replaced, the tub re-enameled, the floors replaced...and those are things I cannot do. I sometimes regret rushing in to this house. And it's not a good feeling to be in an environment you don't quite feel good in. In some ways I don't think I realize that I live with someone now. I don't mean this in a bad way, but I think I'm taking it too lightly, when really I should realize the gravity of the situation. I think because I have lived with someone before, I assume it's easy. But in many ways it's not. You become very aware of the other person, you cannot possibly hide. Then I'm hard on myself, 'get over it', 'do something about it'. I don't know what happened to my courage. Did I have any to begin with? If anything I think I've lost passion...things just unfold on auto-pilot. Sometimes I think there might be something wrong with some of my brain chemistry...other time I think it's because I'm not doing anything particular with my life, I mean activity wise-which could be why the first three paragraphs in the post exist in the first place. You create who you are, I do believe that, but I think I've lost a sense of trusting it. Maybe the problem is that I don't really know what's causing it. This is vaguely familiar of the last time I felt this way. It was frustrating, frightening, but I did push past it. A few weeks ago we went for a walk at Radnor. It was the most alive I've felt in a long time. I felt completely refreshed. You see that weekend TS Lee moved up from the gulf and poured down on middle Tennessee. It went from 90+ to 60+ degrees, it drizzled all day and a walk in the rain is probably the most renewing thing I know to do. In the woods it felt like Northern California. That rainy weekend signaled the start of the seasons changing and here we are on the eve of Fall. It's no longer unbearable being outside, in fact it's practically perfect. I'm hoping I can take on this challenge of figuring out what's wrong. I'm hoping I can. I'm so silly, because I have the most amazing, supportive and unconditionally devoted person in my life right now. But I can't seem to reach out to him, or to anyone. Am I too proud? I think it's more likely that I'm avoiding necessary pain that I would most likely have to go through to get to the grass on the other side. Facing what I am scared of. And in writing this, I already feel 10 times better, because I realize there is nothing to be scared of. There never is. There is only what you want. What you make of something. How many times do you have to learn the same lesson over and over? I think it takes a lifetime. Your demons always, always, come back to haunt you. It's the experiences of each relearning that enables you to fight them back.