Brains!

July 6: I am worried for august. I am worried for them that are eyes. I am worried that they will become sore, that they have not been. I am living, I am looking beyond and I see what I think I need, what I will get, what I want, what I don’t. I am tying to make everything fit, like packing a damn suitcase.

July 7: I am worried for august but now I’ve been reminded and I’ve remembered that it will all be all right. Whatever happens happens. I wonder what it will be like; I mean I wonder what it will feel like to leave again. If it will be the same as before, if I will readjust the same. There will be so much to distract me at first, and then I’ll settle and I’ll think and I’ll draw conclusions from the depths of the well. I kind of wish I could just go away sometimes, not even to Humboldt, which seemed to be the thing I needed most in my life. But somewhere new see if it can open yet more doors. Help me figure out what to do what to say. How to be better, how to be I and be better and how to keep all my principles and please everyone too. Figure out what I want in life; figure out where I am going in life.

July 8: (Addressed to 'Jaimito'), I keep realizing how amazing people are, so much complexity, how you never really know more then 65 percent of a person I would say. I look up to more and more people everyday I find. And there’s only one of every person, making everyone pretty unique. I realize how much greater people seem to be then I am. I want to be better. I haven’t met everyone in the world, but I think you are probably among the best people I have met, and will ever meet. I mean you are good. I guess like an earn filled up with holy water or something. I feel like you can do nothing that would be unforgivable, I think that’s why I feel safest with you. And a while ago I used to think it was creepy and a little phony and of course I think differently now.
In a conversation with Anna a long time ago, that I printed and pasted in my scrap book I said “perhaps that’s what love, in all its varied forms is. You and the other are the only ones who know exactly what the specific bond you both share is.” And it’s true. And most of the time the two people don’t even know themselves. I don’t know why I love Olga deep down; I mean I can find things that I love about her, but still there’s that unexplainable thing that pulls you towards people. It doesn’t matter what they look like, what they do, what they believe, where they are from, you just love them. No one else can even come close to guessing why either.
I know that feel like I could really fly, that you do help me with my wings. I like that this entire summer I have truly been myself, and your okay with that, just like Olga and Anna are.I wish I could see around the corner in front of me and understand my future. I’m walking the path walked millions of times before by people. Because everyone goes down this road when you have this quest.

July 12: I got up this morning having to think about how fast the end of summer has been creeping up. The reason it mattered lay right next to me. The end just Creeps up like the tide at night. No one sees it it just comes silently and washes everything away. On the way to work i listened to Death Cab For Cutie, I mean i actually listened but it pulled me back to humboldt. Instead of looking at the 405 i felt like i was looking at the 101 and the bay stretching out before me glistening in the sun, the redwood hills smokey in the morning. At work i typed the word 'total' so many times it looked as if it were spelled wrong. And i realized i have only 5 days of work left. I only have three weeks of LA and all the people in it left. I feel like i havent really seen anyone long enough to be satisfied. What will i do that weekend, when im packing? I dont think my cheeks will be dry thats for sure, although i hadnt thought i would cry till i almost did in the car today. I hate things like that, things you hate and love at the same time. I hate leaving LA but I love Humboldt. I hate that i cant make a decision, i hate that i cant decide to give up something that could be something just because i want to live as much as i can in my young years.