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My blog could be considered a dangerous thing. I don't think it is. Everything I write is completely honest. Some posts are commentary, some posts are stories, some are boring, some are fun. Most often it's a window into the part of my subconscious that cannot be communicated verbally. It's meant to be the place I spill, organize and store my abstract hidden things. You can really access a lot about me through the blog, and it's partially there for that purpose. To find out the things I cannot say, and don't necessarily need to be said. But its also a tool for me, the process of writing/blogging is therapy in some sense. However, there's a lot missing. To read it, and to think that it is all of me, would be very wrong. That's why it can be misleading. A lot of people read it, and they misinterpret. No one really knows what I actually mean by a lot of the things I say, and that's not my problem. Like I said, its only there partially for the purpose of letting people into that part of me, the rest is there for me, for my subconscious to come out. To take it literally would be a dangerous thing for the reader.

Important Pieces

In that space where infinity above meets immensity below we see the first sign of a new dawn. Dark always gives way to light; for a brief moment nothing is forbidden, everything is possible. But what would we do if the light never came? Maybe we would lie down. Maybe we could go back to sleep. Maybe we could wake up. - Adbusters

The minute I heard my first love story I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was. Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere; they’re in each other all along. - Jelaluddin Rumi (1207-1273)

Adopt the pace of nature: Her secret is patience. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"The poet Rilke was afraid that if he got rid of his demons, he would lose his angels as well. Of course the danger of clinging to our demons to save our angels is that our demons may well take over." - Tim Farrington

Amnesia is not knowing who one is and wanting desperately to find out. Euphoria is not knowing who one is and not caring. Ecstasy is knowing exactly who one is-and still not caring.
- Tom Robbins

I wake up and I reach out and there’s nothing there, but the light seems to remind me that there is something to get up for, even if it’s only to mean I’m one day closer to the unspecified date when I can reach out to touch the warmth again. I go to my classes, which I’m supposed to love, which I’m supposed to throw myself into completely and I can hardly sit through a lecture with out thinking about other things. I have never had such a hard time focusing, or analyzing or just doing basic work and things that used to come so naturally to me. It’s as if I have lost all capacity for basic comprehension. It’s actually kind of freaking me out. Hopefully it’s just because I can’t seem to get back into the swing of things, and eventually I will be able to. Last year it was like “whoo hoo I’m at college”, now its just like “go back to work”. No more excitement.
Plus I feel like I’m living for something much more important that flies high above everything I am doing here. It’s as if I am living in two worlds. One being the basic physical realm-school, eating, sleeping, shitting… and the other the mental and spiritual realm of this new thing I’m exploring and relishing and ultimately the greatest thing ever. Yet I am broken off from this new realm because of distance and now I have to squat in the physical places of life of stuff that doesn’t seem to shine the way it used to. I don’t even know if this makes any sense but I’m just thinking about Plato and Socrates and crap my Philosophy of Sex and Love Professor’s been talking about.
Anyways around the time I’m about to go to bed and apartment quiets down I develop insomnia-type qualities. I lie awake for an hour or two before finally falling asleep. I get a song stuck in my head and it keeps me up because I’m repeating it over and over. I try to figure out what the reason is I’m here at school for is? I seem to need to be told it over and over in order to make being away from the light worth it.
I also find I am questioning my entire focus at school. Geography, a subject that I do really love, is it right for me? Why did I choose it again? What will I do with it again? What the hell is going to happen to me in this physical world?

1 comments:

chad was marco, August 31, 2005 at 12:13 PM: those questions are definitely part of what you're getting out of school. i know it seems like it would be better if you could just go to your classes, learn what they teach, then go out to the real world and apply them and get paid for them and enjoy doing the job and enjoy the free time and there's life. i think it's like that for some people. but maybe not for you. you might not be able to do that. stretched your mind to new dimensions. looking for more than that now while you can. for me in college, everything i learned seems a waste but everything i thought, now that is what i'm building off of. but i'm just now a couple years later realizing it (or maybe rationalizing it). faith and trust, right?

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Important Pieces

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

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