Brains!

It’s a three-day weekend. I am going to Stanford to see Olga. For some reason the idea of going was such a trek to get through, I could hardly convince myself to do it. Why? I got that anxious feeling you get when you’re leaving home and everyone you know. I couldn’t stand the thought of being away from James, even for just three days. I felt pathetic, and I told myself to get over it so many times, but it wouldn’t go away. Finally when I told him, I said out loud all of the things that could possibly go wrong, or happen, that I was frightened of. Driving alone in the rain on the highway, meeting a new guy, not being able to sleep-stupid ass thing like that. Then I when I had finished speaking I felt right. Everything that I was having problems with went away. I thought wait a second, take advantage of this feeling, and use this good courage to squash all that clinginess. And I did. Now I feel I can make that trek, and use this first time away from James in over a year, for more then 8 hours, as good practice. I told James to say to me, “you are going to be okay”, every time I get negative about it. This constant statement and the trip itself will be therapy if you will. I realize how terribly dependant I am, even though I am fiercely independent when I am with him. I think I have this fear of being alone, and that taking care of him and being his instructor in life gives me the control to not be alone. I hate myself. All I can do is get to Stanford now, be there with Olga, do girl stuff, alone.
Now I can worry about the real things, not hitting deer, sliding off the road in the rain, why I am so messed up…