Brains!

One thing about new people you get involved with is that everything will be different. The way I expect to be treated, or treat them is very different then the last time. I’m not sure how to handle it. To be honest it makes me want to say to them, what the fuck? It’s a weird situation for me, I’m disappointed and sad and frustrated all at the same time.

On the other hand I’ve finally moved into my own room, in my own house. I have four other roommates, Natalie, Grant, Maddy and Simone. Hippies, pot smokers, incense burning typical Humboldt State students. If someone came to stay with me, they would get the real Humboldt college experience. The house itself seems to be leaning to the west, and the water on the floor of the bathroom seeps that direction. My room is the most central room in the house, I have no windows just a skylight. It’s also the biggest room, long and narrow. Wood panels cover half the walls, white paint and mirror closets the other half. The carpet is brown-green shag, and the whole thing freaks me out more then it sounds fun. I turned out the light last night and it was black. I felt awkward lying there in all my junk, alone for the first time in months. I reached out for the nothingness around me, and was handed back an empty jar of cold pitch.

I’ve noticed the dark circles under my eyes growing, or just becoming more and more noticeable. The ache in my muscles is literally the only thing I am happy about. I feel like my body is the only thing doing anything productive, and practicing something to better itself. I feel like I’m walking through molasses, and I’m in that place where I don’t know if what I am doing right now will be regretted later, because I am so oblivious to it, so caught up in it. I know I haven’t been able to feel that simple relaxed feeling since summer. I just can’t let go, and sit there. When I sit and try to just turn off, space out, I can’t do it. I’m so anxious, beyond anxious.