Brains!

Remember how I used to talk about my path in the woods, and the stars and the moon, and the lantern holder? I can't even relate to that anymore. Now its more like dark circles and vast stretches of time between seeing anyone who I am allowed to be friends with anymore. I'm down to one now. Thank god for roommates, and for Olga, I would be completely alone, except for Jordan of course. He's not a lantern holder...I am not even sure what he is... just that there are so many positives and negatives that I cannot make any decisions to push or pull regarding him. I feel like I probably couldn't until I saw him again, it wouldn't be fair. There is no way to judge people based on AIM or other silly technological devices, I am almost sure things between would escalate to some level of clarity if we were together, and generally all the things I am paranoid about and he suspicious about, would not be there to worry about. But it's not fair to make any rash decisions, I couldn't risk an experience I have not had yet, in other words I'm not done with this experience, and it needs to keep going. In the meantime, my stable demeanor of life sucks oh well, is faltering, and my shield is dented and I feel like I drag my feet more, getting on my bike or under a 45 pound bar is something I for surely feel is helping me not topple over into pools of misery, just as my friends and Jordan have helped to hold me up to.