Brains!

I feel like I’m drowning here. I was pulling Jordan down with me. There isn’t really much to offer past a few scenic drives and local eating-places, unless you’re involved, unless you’re here with fevering purpose. Partially terrified that he wouldn’t like what he saw in the place that I lived, that I chose to go to school, that ultimately reflects who I am as a person, and partially I was scared to show him this place, which stifles me in the cool clear air. I had to leave the airport so quickly because the feeling of loneliness crept up and I didn’t want to make a scene; I wanted to be grown up. I’m worried he’ll see my fleshy insides comprised of anxious, nervous, uptight, chaotic behaviors some kind of disgusting and leave. Ultimately I’m worried that I’m too weird, too much to put up with, and instead of just showing the nice sides, I dump everything shitty I have to offer in his lap always, and I wish I wouldn’t. That my nice sides aren't worth the stupid sides. He means a lot to me, he’s taken deeper hold then previous experiences, because I’m not noticing it happening. It slides up next to me sneakily. Humboldt only exasperates my issues. The drive back from the airport, through sheer darkness, the heat from my car drying my tears before they rolled to my chin, and when I got home, started tidying up my bedroom, I caught his smell lingering on the pillows he slept on, that's when the anxiety turned from being worried I was boring, to being worried about him being so faraway.
Most unsurprisingly, I find myself thinking the worst. I don’t deserve any kindness from him, because mostly, especially this past weekend, all I have done is made an ass of myself over and over.
“ …And wondered how he could stand me. In one short morning I had exhibited insane laughter, hidden lust, pissy behavior, self-pity and hysterical crying. If I’d been trying to show him my worst sides, I could not have done a better job than this.”- Secret Life of Bees
But it's not so bad. A couple of text messages and phone calls picked me right up. Slapped me silly with realizing I need to continue to hone into those things that are there on their own, without need of confirmation. Those things that I love most, that I am excited about, that I can't wait for more of! So nothing is ever as bad as it seems. I had my cry, which can feel oh so relieving afterwards. Now I am back to knowing that there is still so much more to come, I just have to be here now, get through this damn semester, and I'll see him soon, and all will be well with patience!