Brains!

I mean obviously he’s funny; I mean I dated him for two years. But its not there anymore. In fact some days I forget he even exists. As for Colin, I’m not even sure why I was attracted to him in the first place. He drones on and on about the most boring things, being particular about his word usage. Neither of them holds any interest for me at all. Sure I get sad about it, but as I’ve read recently that’s a natural thing for girls to do, but I’m beyond wanting anything to do with them past a friend level. I don’t know when this changed occurred. One day I just noticed that there was nothing to notice. It was after or during winter break I believe, and for some reason, I thought it was a false feeling that I would fall back into moping about. But I haven’t and when I noticed I hadn’t I been so excited for it. Proof that there is life after. Proof that I can fall in love again teehee. And I don’t even see or talk to any other boys and when I do they are just boys, when I saw Sam in all his sexy ruggedness, I was like oh…thrilling, I didn’t care much for the idea past what I would say about anyone attractive. So really there are nothing there but Jordan, and this overpowering elevating sensation that I get when I get to hear his voice, or when he says or does some trivial thing. It’s always in the small things for me, well this time anyways. With this comes the fear that I’m boring him to death. I’m not sure how to fix it, considering I’m a follower not a leader, plus I’m 700 miles away. I worry that I just don’t have enough common interest to keep him interested in me. I’m super interested in him, and I love hearing about all his hobbies and crazy weird knowledge about random technical things that I know nothing about. I think that’s partially why I’m so attracted to him, is that he can do stuff with his hands. Make shit. I also have found that I tend to develop superficial crushes on anyone who likes land in any form. So his geology-ness, however minute is a big turn on, in some incredibly nerdy way. Meh I miss him. All I have now is his voice, which is another aspect I’m super attracted too. Another are his eyes, I tend to have a thing for boys eyes, and I don’t think I could ever date someone with generic eyes, of which Jordan’s are definitely not. I suppose it’s why I love him in contacts, cause they don’t get to hide back there behind his glasses.

I’m quite obsessed with the idea of driving around in Australia’s bleak emptiness. Something about the arid landscape reminds me of a nicer but also terribly more intense version of the southwest. Also as of today, after having watched and discussed Australia in a seminar, I want to break down my stereotypes of the place, because I know I have so many. For some reason I suddenly know that everything I think about Australia is based around stereotypes, and that I know nothing about it in truth. Going there would change all that.

I’m curious as to where I will live and what I will do after school. It’s starting to press on me. I don’t know how long I could survive living with my mother, which is where I will end up first. I suppose it’s not out of the question to find a place looking for a roommate, otherwise if I for some reason found a job, I doubt I could live anywhere but in the boonies of inland LA county or any of the counties surrounding, in which I will surely go insane from the smog. But I really haven’t been anywhere else to determine where I would consider living. Nor do I feel like I want to live permanently at this point in my life, in any location. Save money, go places, I feel like that’s my short term goal.