Brains!

Coming to terms with being a Girl and Silence.

I know I'm a girl, so what is my problem? Well maybe it's my hormones, maybe it's maturity, or maybe its location. Of course with everything there is no singular answer, its always a combination. I've never been a shopper, until now. I've never cared much about my haircuts, until now. I've never been so worried about my skin, until now. I guess as I get older, I feel like my biological clock is starting to chime in. I'm exhibiting all the symptoms of an adult, without really acknowledging them. Lamely 'searching' for the American Dream, or in my case pretending I'm still a cool kid with no responsibilities and the ability to pick up and go anywhere, when really I'm a college grad with no prospects.

I enter that stupid HGTV home, imagining myself in it. I troll sites looking at "hobo bags", since I'm suddenly really attracted to clothes, and accessories, and shoes. I never used to be like that. In high school, I was probably too much of a dope to notice. Or maybe I was, I just don't remember, or was so self-loathing I already gave up. But when I moved away from the urban environment, to a place where boots jeans and a sweater were perfectly acceptable at bars and parties, I stopped caring completely about it. Then of course I moved back to LA. Suddenly I'm turning into a girly girl. I want to shop, and wear dresses and fix my stupid cow lick bangs. I don't really know what I'm writing, because I don't really know what the real deal is. Maybe I was like this all along.

It's occurred to me that certain silences are painful and others aren't. For instance, Im begging for silence when Jordan is snoring, but can't stand the silence when he's not in the bed next to me. I don't like sitting around in my room at night without noise, but can imagine the blissful extreme quiet of a still day in the high desert. I used to hate sounds when trying to go to bed, but have become so accostomed to heaters clicking on or computers humming away, that need something electrical to lull me to sleep.

It's like I'm changing and getting old, and realizing it. I feel like I'm a goddamn 40 year old, thinking the glory days are over. Now I'm going to be wrinkley and to mishapen to look good in jeans and a sweater, and should start thinking about retirement.