Brains!

Books

I finished Snow Flower and the Secret Fan by Lisa See recently. If you’ve read A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini or Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden, you may have an idea of the book. It’s a “woman’s” book, someone in the said to me as I picked up the book in a store. “It’s one of my favorites” she went on. So I read the first few pages, and that sold me. I particularly like the writing. The voice is very Chinese, not some American writer trying to sound Chinese. I mean maybe that’s not fair but that’s how I feel. It was incredibly depressing, but strangely enough I felt very subdued reading it. I think because of that Chinese voice. Yes the character lived through horrors, that we American would spend fortunes on xanax and therapy to overcome, but it was just the way it was at that time in China. Anyway, a great read. Even if there seemed to be no sudden climax as in many books, and I had issue with the largest climax being “believable”. Don’t want to spoil anything. So I’ve moved on to The Book of Illusions by Paul Auster, which is one of Anna’s favorite novels. Only 50 pages in.

In other news

A heat wave has descended on LA. Oppressively dry, and still. I find on days like this, you must find either a body of water, or hide inside. The Spanish hexagonal tiles naturally cool my mom’s house. As soon as the sun passes over my room in the mornings, it receives no direct sunlight, and therefore stays chilled all through out the day. Especially if I keep the window closed. What little sea breeze there is, flows in a continuous stream through the open back to the open front door. No wonder shotgun houses were so popular in the south.

I often rely on the weather for my mood. At least this heat is something new, something of a new challenge. In the past couple of days that change has helped with all my self-examinations.

I’m reaching the end of my moleskine. This one being particular interesting, because it was started during the last enormous change in my life. My break-up with James. Now graduating was definitely a big change, of course. But the effect’s have really sidled along side me, like a ghost I won’t acknowledge exists. What the hell am I talking about right? Well the simple fact is, I graduated, hopeful. Landed an internship even more hopeful, excited and feeling supremely lucky to have found something so close to what I had studied. But alas it was an unpaid position, I lost all my money. The internship didn’t turn out to be what it was supposed to be. Then I was going to leave, but was told I would be paid for my work. And so, being broke, I took the offer. Not even thinking that the job would ultimately be the same. So then I just fell deeper into the lack of structure, consistency, scheduling, all things that I daresay are very dangerous for a recent college grad. Going from school for 16 or so years of your life, to a job with an insane lack of administrative necessities can only result in enormous set backs.

Yes these include what I have written about. But you know what, enough about my financial crisis. Enough about my health. Enough about my failures at finding a job. Enough about my denial to face facts. My unwillingness to just leave the park job for good, and get a real job, with real responsibilities, and most importantly, actually do the work to the fullest extent. Finally I faced the truth of what all this has meant to the relationship I have with Jordan. I guess its something I haven’t really wanted to write about, but I couldn’t really do it for fear of where it might lead me too.

On Saturday night, I realized again, how far I’ve let myself slip, even though it’s exactly what I promised myself I would not do. I keep waiting for a handout. And ultimately, I’ve let Jordan bare the brunt of my waiting. “Feel sorry for me!” I wanted to scream, “Tell me everything is going to be alright”, “Tell me you love me anyway!”. But there was no screaming. Just simple discussion, which I had to practically pry from his mouth. I knew what was coming already, I guess I just needed it to be said. Ultimately, nothing he could say or do would make any difference to my happiness. Slowly the same creeping ghost would become more apparent.

Really what it boils down to, is that my negativity and self doubt, have landed me in a place that is incredibly hard to escape. It’s easier to deny, to not try, to hide, then it is to actually change myself. I’m driving away everything in my life because of it. Not just money, not just dreams, but the one most important thing to me, my relationship is going down the tubes because of these damned qualities.

After he left, and even though he left on positive terms. I was strangely quiet. I cried of course, long and hard, and then after I was silent. Have been ever since. I mean I talk, I am writing, that’s not what I mean, I mean physically, I don’t feel ill, or like crying anymore. Because there was no injustice done to me by Jordan. His feelings are completely rational, completely valid. Having said that, like I just said, changing myself for myself, is the only way of fixing what has happened to me.

Sure I can start with talking about how I feel like my parents have crippled me over the years. How my generation should be known as the self-entitled half Asses. How someone should feel sorry for me, give me a handout, make things easy. How the times are hard, and that’s why I’m negative, and not getting chances. When it’s been me along that’s crippling my own self.

Or I could start by stating that I regret not giving enough credit to Jordan’s intelligence. Even though I think it’s ultimately a defense mechanism to think he’s less emotionally savvy then me. Really in the long run, he’s a successful human being based solely upon his ability to be cold, completely self reliant in the sense that when forced to do so- he always prevails, and ability to remain detached from anyone and anything. It may not seem human, but on a basic needs scale, he’s met those characteristics perfectly.

Now I’m not saying that that is who I want to be. But I am saying that its up to him to be whom he wants, and that’s what he’s done. Its up to me to be whom I want.

Anyway, after those first thoughts, I obviously consulted my mother. In the morning we often times find each other in the garden, cups of tea in hand, discussing something. She sided with Jordan, and more then once asked if it was her fault. I realized again, that I make it what I make it. She can nag, she can bring her negativity home with her, but its me who lets that stuff enter me instead of bouncing it off. The discussion ended with the first decision. I’m giving up the park job. I don’t know if I’m giving up the park. But the position I am in right now, and the dynamic with my boss is completely stagnant. It won’t change, and I know it. I no longer want to make him be the boss I want him to be, whether it be calling me back within the hour instead of three days later, remembering to fax my invoice within the same day I email it to him, giving me a chance to do tasks my way, I’m done trying to make the job work for me. It’s a dead end, and has been for a long time. The key is to find another job, and then quit.

My second step is to work on my very attitude. Yes I can stand to be a little bit more positive, both in what I choose to speak about and my body language. This is going to be 100 times harder then the first step. But just as important. The two go hand in hand. For me to be positive, I need to have a good financial foundation. For me to have a good financial foundation, I just have to do the work, and be positive about it. Positive about everything really. Sure I can have those moments, but my problem is I tend to wallow in them. I don’t bounce back easily. Finding a cure for this might be difficult, but can be done.

Now in the middle of writing this essay, I went off to the beach, to bake in the sunshine. I even went in the water, which I almost never do. So although I stop this essay in the middle, I may come back to it eventually. When I’m ready again.