Brains!

It's the last day of April.

April is a strange month for me, and I only sort of acknowledged that recently. A lot of stuff has happened to me in the April month over the years. Good and bad things, mostly things that change a lot in my life. Its always the month of rush, rushing right up to the beginning half of May when the turning point actually occurs. April is like the worry month, the worry for that big May change. But when May comes around I've worked myself into a frenzy, and I usually get to my last step of either, forget about caring, escape, or just plain old acceptance of the facts. After that I'm relatively normal.

So what in this month of April is making me crazy? Bah you already know. But this time I don't really know what is ending. Before it was school, it was relationships etc. Nothing has happened except warning signs for possible changes in May. I guess we'll see when we get there. I would like to say, that I'm not expecting the worst, I'm just expecting something.

Re-visitation of the 'essay' dun dun duuuun....

So I tricked myself, I thought I would avoid writing the "April stuff", when in fact I'm about to write about the one thing I do know about, that I do know is changing. Negativity. Its not changing at all in fact. I have to keep my opinions entirely to myself in order to not be negative.

Examples:
1) Renfaire parking lot line: "wow this is totally not efficient. blah blah" here I am not realizing negativity and am in a a really really good mood...so proof that it does not matter what mood I am in.
2) Jordan's schedule: "I thought you didn't like mornings, don't do it, you won't like it". Even though I was very positive about his not getting the promotion at work (saying things like good experience, you know what to expect next time etc.) when he told me he was going to change his schedule, all I could think about were the negative aspects of this change. Not that we could go bowling again, not that he would have more social life with people down here. Instead I jumped on, "you have to go to bed at 10pm, you would be working the busy shift". Wtf is wrong with me?
3) Yoga. Olga asks, "why haven't you gone". my reply "I seem to look for an excuse not to every time". Me avoiding my own birthday present of free yoga for two weeks? Really really?

Yoga

In fact I can't think of a time where I was positive all month? AND having said that, typed this rather, I realize that this entire post is negative! SO...I'm going to write the next section entirely positive.

"I went last night. It was glorious. I sweat so much that my mat got wet, something that rarely has happened at other yoga classes. My muscles are sore from yesterday, so I know I got a work out. Ekka was beautiful long and slender like a gazelle. Her voice was powerful, and rhythmic. She told me I had dancer legs. I got my breath back. I anticipated the flow and asanas, its just like riding a bicycle, you never forget."

Okay how formulaic was that? While in yoga, I realized how much I had lost control of where my thoughts take me. All it took was for Ekka to say something to the effect of "Don't think about your practice yesterday, just acknowledge where your practice is today". And "Think about your breath instead of looking around, or playing with your hair". I mean out of context they sound like barking orders, but if you've been to a yoga class you know what these words mean. The idea is to let go of all the outside stuff, and focus on uniting breath and pose or movement. Judgement, outside distractions, outside thoughts are all to be dropped away. It's a good lesson for me. A good reminder.

Now I'm trying to peer into my yoga past. Did I ever let go that much? I don't think I went to yoga enough to let go that much. My college yoga classes were overcrowded and generally pretty crappy. Maybe if I did have it, I lost it along the way. Ekka was very good at bringing that awareness back for me. Yet in this class, and its my first one in about a year, and first good one in about four years, I still let all this outside come in to me. "Guh I'm sweating so much yucky" or "Should we really be saying 'om' I feel like a poser" or "this yoga study is filled with rich yuppies" or "jeezes I can't even do 'cobra' anymore, oh well 'Sphinx' it is". It gets worse, I started thinking about nothing related to yoga like, "Should I go back to school?" or "Why is no one responding to my job applications" or "Swine flu is going to kill everyone". Actually the last one I'm very very skeptical about. But that's another issue.

The point is, this is very hard to do. Changing. I don't think yoga is the cure all for my problems, but it can't hurt them. The worst part is, its so ingrained in me that I don't even realize I'm doing it. Speaking it, thinking it.