Brains!

Warmed like hands around a cup of tea.

(The inevitable entry about love and life in general)
This huge painting hangs on my wall, once I wanted it there because it kind of drew your attention away from everything else in the room. It’s called “I used to want, but now I don’t”. I’m scared what the room will look like its gone, Sometimes I suddenly take it down, or it falls off on its own. I always end up hanging it up again after a few minutes. Wanting entails long days of waiting. I remember it was so painful. It kind of drives you crazy, and I don’t know if I am strong enough despite what I say about how far I have come, I don’t know if I am strong enough to defend myself against it, and walk all over it. What you get for it is amazing don’t get me wrong, its just I don’t want to take the risk. Fear of loss of stability, for fear of change, for fear of things that happened happening again, and for fear of loosing. Maybe I have just been injected with this huge shot of patience, of understanding and knowledge and that’s what I am having a hard time grappling with, that I’m not actually afraid. More like I can sit and say when it happens it happens, and everything happens for a reason, or doesn’t for that matter. But if one sits back and lets life live itself then you don’t get anywhere, I suppose you have to take those risks to see if they are meant to happen or not happen and if so what reason caused them. Right now I am so enamored with how great life can be, it’s hard to think what I want to do first. I keep envisioning myself standing in this awesome light with my head thrown back and my eyes shielding something so brilliant it’s hard to stand in its wake. So I am just doing what seems best day by day with some general guidelines for the future with nothing set in stone. I will let my heart tell me what’s right when stuff is happening, no matter how cliché that sounds. But it’s the truth man, and it has been working so far.

(Thoughts on Faith)
I’ve been thinking a lot about faith recently, religion and what kinds of people it produces, who I am with out it. I guess I always thought I was pretty atheist. But sometimes I wonder if things could actually exist the way they do with out someone else’s influences. But at the same time why not? Who’s to say chemicals, hormones, science, and questioning “why” are not all side affects of our brains becoming to complex and advanced for our own good. But why did they do that? Actually recently I have become pretty agnostic. If there is an afterlife or some carrying on of consciousness after death then great, if not then we don’t know the difference anyways. For me it’s more about celebrating what we have now. That should be enough; I mean this life alone is like the greatest gift from wherever and why. I feel like its kind of a waste of precious time worrying about giving thanks on a weekly basis for it. Living a structured, strict and inhibited life because of it. Rather you have to grab everything you can; it’s the only way you’re going to learn. I understand that for some people it’s where they get their strength to go on. Sometimes I wonder if that is the reason I am so hopeless sometimes. But you know what when I was little I used to pray all the time even though some where deep down inside I knew that I didn’t believe in god. But nothing ever happened. I felt like because my prayers were not being answered praying was useless in the long run for atheist or orthodox. Everything is relative, what one person considers a sign could just be a coincidence. Who’s to say the answer you receive is actually the answer or not? I guess I just haven’t had an experience to make me believe otherwise. Don’t get me wrong magnificent things have happened to my friends and me and in the world but I’ve never thought they were related to a God-perhaps though that’s because I was raised atheist though.

Along with being raised atheist comes all of the negative input, which I am sad about. But with anything you learn as you grow you are taught mostly the negative, well in my family that was the general idea. I suppose the idea of people who are deeply religious believing I am going to go to hell because I am not part of their religion is one of the things I do not like most about religion. I do not and have never believed that I am a bad person for not believing in god or following the bible etc. and I will not tolerate anyone who feels that way about me. I think its just plain wrong. I will not give in to people and loose my own principles if a group decides to encroach on me. Having said that it makes me angry that I still sit there and say Jesus freaks. It is not fair. I believe in the Gold Rule (treat others how you want to be treated) and in this situation I break it every time. I want to be tolerant and I am not practicing it. I think also that it is just a part of society unfortunately prejudice lives in us all about everything no matter how tolerant and humane we believe we are. I can’t say accept all people’s faiths when I myself judge people by theirs. But there are some things that I cannot accept churches doing in the name of God. Missionaries have practically wiped out all indigenous cultures and beliefs I think that is wrong. However some have done well too. Some wars are carried out in the name of religion; again I do not like this. Church and state should be separated or equally represented in a country of religious freedoms. I feel when they become close religion is then being forced upon me. I also don’t understand where one draws the line between science and religion. Where does one say okay on this side of the line I am putting all the scientific facts like evolution, the world starting more then what 6000 years ago etc on this side? What is the deciding factor? And how can one believe some science and not others? Now I can understand people who say they believe God or their creator instilled evolution as a mechanism for change that really all science is just his creation, they don’t deny it they just believe there is something behind it

This leads me back to me. What do I believe in? Having taken mythology I feel like I can better judge where all religion came from. It is all so similar to mythology; all of its roots are mythological because the stories in major religions today are the same as they were thousands of years ago. Just now they are written down and people go to worship and fear instead of to learn by word of mouth lessons and things that mythology and folklore provided. I suppose if I am closest to any sort of religious living it would be paganism, because I believe the earth and everything is connected and needs to be protected and worshiped above anything else because its where we live. Whoever made it thank you, everyday I thank you, and I apologize for it not being well taken care of. Having said that I know most people would say “what a tree hugger”. And you know what I am one. I believe in that. I believe in the Earth. And it is true that when I look at it its hard for me to believe there is nothing behind all its beauty. When I look at my friends, when I look at my life it’s hard to believe it is actually in motion with out the influence of some one else as I have said. I feel like the churches could be used for great good, but somewhere along the way people forgot what they were actually going for. With any major organization though there are always faults. I feel also that I do not need a religion to tell me how to live my life and whether I am living it correctly and justly, I should just have the common sense and human decency to do that anyway. Instead of fearing the wrath of god and hell, I like to believe that I am doing something in the meantime to give my thanks to whatever and however we got here. That I am doing something in this lifetime for this life time, for its life here then worrying about how I am going to get into the next life. I have only just realized this within the past few years of my life. And I feel like this is where I am getting my strength; this is my strength and reason to get out of bed. To better myself for others, to betters others for the world. To better the world, make this life good for the next who come.

(I have more to say about this but I don’t think I am ready yet, I don’t think I have lived enough yet, but this begins to illustrate where is stand as of today.)