Brains!

So I had time between classes today and I decided to go out to the quad and see if any local bands were playing. I could hear the echoes of someone’s voice on a microphone. As I got closer the voice seemed desperate, and pleading. I came down the stairs of founders and realized the voice was speaking about Jesus. The man talking stood with about five other people in front of a table. The quad it’s self was probably ¾ empty…some boys were sitting along the concrete benches, there were a couple of tables set up, and a group of typical Humboldt hippie folk sitting on the stairs. People walked through, some stopped and listened most however seemed to be avoiding people with flyers and scurried off to their next class.

I sat down on a bench for a moment to listen to what the preaching was all about. The man (I decided he must be the preacher at the church) was talking about his story of converting to baptism. He said things like, “I used to hate Christians, and I used to party all through college”. To this the hippie group applauded which surprised me. He then talked about how he heard this song at a “pagan dance party in Daytona Beach Florida” which he claimed told him his life did have meaning and to seek the lord.

I was listening a little and then a man in a blue Hawaiian shirt approached me he said, “How ya doing?”
”I’m alright.” I smiled politely.
“Would you be interested?” he handed me a pamphlet. I hardly had time to look at it, I didn’t really want to deep down, and I was just about to say no thanks but he said, “You know Jesus loves you.”
“So I’ve been told.” I looked around uncomfortably; the man’s eyes were so intense as if he was trying burn the fear into me. If he weren’t so well dressed he could have passed for a homeless person on the 3rd street promenade. His voice had this ounce of craziness in it, resembling the “poor souls” as my British mum might call them wandering the streets.
“He cares about you. He can save you, guide you and give your life meaning.” He said leaning over so that he seemed to be bending at the waist towards me. I forced myself to look at him, but I couldn’t keep his gaze and I fiddled with my scarf. I said an uncomfortable, “okay.”
“He can love you deeper then any man could.”
This made me feel really strange. It was a little creepy, I didn’t like the way it seemed to roll of his tongue, and it was as if he used it to pick up girls in a bar. I didn’t say anything hoping he would get the hint and walk away. We were silent for a moment and he said, “He’ll be there when you’re ready.”
I said “thanks”, trying to force the tone that accused him of being crazy out of my voice. He walked away.

When I had time to think about this after hurrying out of the quad I decided that I didn’t like that the hippie’s were attacking the preacher, I thought that a true genuine hippie would be more tolerant. I also didn’t like that he used the word pagan in his description of a dance party. It sounded like such an ancient Christian thing to say about anyone not Christian. I liked that my school had allowed them to come out and preach. I believe my summer experiences and my growing awareness about religion in general over the past few years had made me curious to stay there and listen. I can definitely say that I am more positive towards people and their faiths then I have ever been in my entire life. And I know my encounter with the Hawaiian shirt man could have been a lot worse if it were earlier in my life. I told myself that he was only preaching his belief and that I must respect it. And after all that deliberation I still had the feeling that I have in all my encounters with religious folk throughout my life that he wanted to say “you’re going to hell”. I know that in the Christian faith I’ll go to hell because I have not accepted Christ and God and other stuff, (that I’m lacking the exact knowledge in) even if I am a good person. It automatically makes me feel inferior to Christians, like I’m not good enough. I’m not good enough for these Christians and I’m stupid for not believing. Does this mean I’m never going to be good enough for others I met this summer, maybe even him if I don’t accept God? I don’t want to ask because I’m scared of what the answer will change. I love him though, there is nothing for it I just do. I think I am too young to decide anything about higher powers. And for all I know my thoughts about these folks are false. If you refer back to my Aug 4th and June 8th posts I am still questioning everything, I am still learning. At the moment I would rather learn about all religions and then perhaps take from each one to help guide me in this life- I’m looking for my path to wherever I’m going. Isn’t that what life is all about the journey?