Thursday, October 26, 2006
I haven’t posted anything about myself in a long time. I’ve been posting plays, writing instructions, but nothing about my life right now. A lot of things are whirring in my head. (The semester has slowed down and it’s turning out to be an easy one too) I have been able to relax.
I’m seriously considering a tattoo. Honestly. It’s either going to be a crescent moon with Celtic knots or a simple trinity of circles also Celtic. But I have no idea the place to put it, amongst other things. Either way that idea is on hold, but ever lingers in my mind. I want to carry a symbol with me. I’ve been drawing to try to make it my own, and I have some sketches which I will post here one day. I do have more to say about this, but I think I might save it for the day when I might actually get one.
Another issue is moving. I’m not sure when but in the past month I suddenly got in such a heat of passion to travel I couldn’t really focus on much else. I’ve saved a lot of money, in spit of losing my job, and for the longest time that was going to be poured in to an apartment with James. But that idea irks me know. It will be incredibly tough to move, both on our wallets and on ourselves. I packed up ¾ of the dishes so that our roommate can no longer make a mess, and it seems I am settling into the idea of staying there. It’s cheap, damn cheap. Either way I think the biggest reason is that I got this sudden urge to leave the country. At first I thought Greece, maybe speak to the oracle at Delphi, dive in to the Mediterranean, and ponder all the things I have learned. But I’ve never traveled out of the country without parents for more then a couple days before, and going to a place where they don’t speak English might not be the best start. Especially considering how shy I am. New Zealand was the natural response. I’ve wanted to go to either Australia or New Zealand since I was very young. I bought a Lonely Planet guide, and it’s been occupying most of my time for the past couple of weeks. Even my mother is enthusiastic, almost shockingly. Now that idea lingers on my finger tips like spider webs.
James is slow to be excited. Once he gets going he’s amazingly versatile and tends to really get into the thing occupying him (example: kayaking). Either way he finds it hard to let go of the moving idea, and also hard to get into the New Zealand idea. Every day I ask, “What about now?” He answers, “It sounds like fun”. But his eyes don’t light up like mine, and his face doesn’t hint to any sudden interest. He’s told me that he needs to let it sink in for a while. Also he is rightfully worried about the financial issue. I know we can make the financial issue if we don’t move, and if we don’t go home for winter break (or at least not the entire month). For him to let go of going home is much harder then it is for me to. Another issue that is out of our control is that he cannot go home for winter break unless he quits Target, because of pesky black out dates. So he either stays here, works through it, or quits entirely and comes back. I think the latter idea means a loss of a huge financial sum. And that means no travel next summer.
Anyways we aren’t making any final decisions yet, and this Saturday is Instant Admissions Day. He’s going to find out if he’ll be accepted to Humboldt State. That I think he is more scared of then any of the previous prospects.
6 comments:
that situation about your eyes lighting up and his not seems so familiar (also, i just watched the breakup with aniston and vince vaughn, so the difference between men and women is on my mind).
i want to make this a difference between men and women for an argument sake, but maybe it's not about gender at all, and more about who had the idea first or things like that.
hmm, my friend steve has taught high school for three or four years now. a good job that he's comfortable in and will get paid well for, especially as he logs more years. but he gets wildly excited about things and is constantly trying to get me to go do anything with him. he wants to quit his job and look for excitement. he wants us to be truck drivers, or part of a boating crew or coast guard, or find jobs at the beach, or go to oregon or do anything anywhere to find excitement. i respond like james. those things sound fun and great but somehow i can't leave the security i have, spend the money i've made, risk anything.
i keep telling him that maybe it will sink in. i give him examples of how, other times, ideas have sunk in. but it looks like it won't happen in this case.
i'm not trying to be pessimistic. there's a difference between going somewhere and finding a job and just going on a vacation. so you should keep thinking and talking about new zealand. i bet if you plan it out thoroughly (if possible) and tell him what it will be like there during normal times, it will help. as opposed to only talking about the excitement you expect.
i hope he's not anything like me in this respect, but there isn't much that gets me excited any more. and so using excited attitude won't convince me to do something. what i look for on a vacation is peace of mind and relaxation. i wouldn't want the hassle of finding places to stay, transportation to get places and those kinds of normal things. i'd rather sit at home for a week and save my money than stress out over things like that - BECAUSE i wouldn't feel the excitement that would cancel those little things out.
maybe this is his thinking, maybe it isn't. i hope not. i miss risk. but anyway, it might give you a different way to try to get him wanting to go.
it's a neat coincidence that my friend steve is greek and, this summer, went to greece to visit his distant relatives, almost none of which spoke any english. he went with his sister and they had an amazing time, but they hadn't even known where they would stay or if the relatives would even actually be happy that they were coming. but they were greek and so they basically all fought over who would get to have them sleep over and who would get to feed them the most. hah.
anyway, i hope you get to go on a great vacation and see amazing things. new zealand or australia would be such a blast to visit
First of all you posted this like the minute i signed on to blogger! Creepy! (must be cause its halloween) But Now i have to go take a damned exam, so i hope to respond later this afternoon! Gosh darn classes get in the way of my education, i mean life.
So I finished a ridiculously easy exam (watch i fail)..
To be quite honest, I am more terrified then I seem about going out of the country. Knowing me I would start having anxiety dreams about forgetting to pack underwear or something silly like that. The point is that I know all to well the terror of leaving security, but i know for a fact that it's all in ones head. Once you're there doing whatever it is that is abnormal, you realize for maybe the one hundredth time, THINGS ARE NEVER AS BAD AS THEY SEEM. I just wish we could skip all the silly parts before.
As for James I think he is more scared of growing up. He's been Momma's boy almost all his life, and doesnt really know responsibility. And jeezes christ am I a harsh bitch you're probably thinking. But I really do stick to my guns on this one. He's lazy.
Now you're probably thinking, what the fuck does that have to do with going to New Zealand? Well if he's never been pushed beyond his normal limits, meaning not forced to do anything on his own, taking risks is probably a really big fear in his mind. It's no one's fault, its just the way it is. I know for a fact that he would be sitting at home playing video games the rest of his life if it weren't for me. And there i go again, proclaiming myself the savior of a pathetic boy. But He's really given me nothing to go on this past year. The evidence that i base my theories on is overwhelming, and i have never fully stated them on this blog.
Now I fear I have ranted and raved about nothing remotely related to New Zealand at all, but rather the silly discontent that is in every type of relationship. I actually have plenty to say, about my faults and his and how we dont really go together at all. But that should be saved for another post. In the meantime I will be asking more questions to James and reporting back...
Cross your fingers that I dont wring the poor lads neck....kidding jeeez
hahaha - everything.
i've sat here trying to say and organize so many things, but it's just not happening. i don't know why men are so much more lazy and care so much less about making things perfect and i don't know why women can't relax and why they dream up crazy things to do around the house.
women seem to take so much more pride in things that take care and continuous effort, while men can be satisfied so much easier.
my mind keeps coming back to the idea of gatherers/hunters. the men would use a burst of energy (even in the sense of a two day burst) to kill an animal. and after the kill was brought back, there was nothing to do until the meat ran out again. they'd be satisfied after challenging nature and risking danger and then they'd rest.
but the women had to constantly be on the move. constantly gathering and maintenancing and of course, child-caring. these things took concerted effort for the whole day and there was never full days of time where they could relax and do nothing.
anyway, it's been an hour since i was writing this and i think i was probably done anyway.
i know what you mean about when you're there it's not as bad as when you were just worrying. so i'll leave it at that.
hmm, i wrote something yesterday. long and rambling for sure. it didn't post?
anyway, good luck getting to new zealand or anywhere else exciting!
oh, moderation has been enabled. well, don't enable this one then =)
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