Brains!

First of all, a random rambling of basic rushing thoughts:
Lonesomeness is something I had not really anticipated in coming back to school. I thought I was prepared to be independent wielding a sword of self-confidence in all that I do. Rather I’ve been thrust into some deep unapproachable place. I hide away in the fleece blanket I’ve been loaned watching as Morton tears his hair out in anxiety-ridden dilemmas because of his attachments. I’m not ripping my hair out. I’m pulling away from myself. Every night I fall asleep feeling that heavy weight pressing on my chest, or like my arms are being pulled away into rivers flowing into distant valleys of solitude. Not a happy solitude. Then there’s the whole other issue of how long can I go on like this, and is the thing I’m missing even a thing at all? Will it even be there the way I can’t even imagine it to be? It’s like I’m holding on to something that hasn’t even been whispered yet. What kind of attachment is this? Guh if that one sentence was uttered how would I respond, would it automatically fling me into a pool of melted butterscotch? Everyday waiting for a voice spoken, but never seen. Would it even last?

“Well, bottom line to it all, I want you, I don’t know where/what/how it'll work now and later
But I still want it, I’m and happy to get whatever is given”
Sometimes I have to reread the conversations so I don’t get off my track, so I can maintain what I have without pushing it away so I don’t “miss my chance” either.
The things I like most I think are the honesty of his sole. Even if he’s wrong in mind his belief in it, makes me realize how logical and in tune with himself he is. It’s refreshing, to have a person of security in themselves. It’s a quality I could never have with James due to our lack of experience and years. Of course there’re the physical behavioral attractions, which can draw me in, if that bridge, were crossed (they already do). But this one characteristic I find the most appealing. He does what he wants to do for himself, and defends his heart from things, but does not shut it down either. I think the communication is what makes us click the most, and I know that in anyone I have relations with, if that factor is not there, I cannot maintain any type of relationship with them at all. I also know that I like the constant social connection with people, more then I thought I did. I enjoy hours of the same person, building up something between us. I can go days with them, being around them. We don’t even have to be talking, but experiencing the same comfort, energy and silence is something I find to be at the bottom of a lot of things I’m dealing with right now. It’s like Morton, he is so obsessively attached and he doesn’t even know the reason for it. Unfortunately dogs can’t talk steps back, read important things, and get a grasp on ones life. I being human know that that constant company of people is something I cannot deny any longer, I need it, and I miss this summers social structure that provided me with that. Yet all these discoveries about myself lead me to know conclusion to actively seek out the things I crave. As a result I grow timid and inward, retreating to the shyness I knew once so well. I can’t even reach out to the person I want to. School disinterests me, activities disinterest me. If I could have one wish now, it would be me on a tropical island, eating apples and drinking beer with those close friends and person whom I crave so much.

Oh Morton I wish for you a peace that I know I could achieve if I just put things down and stopped analyzing over and over. Instead just live, just live…things happen, and wherever your life goes is where you are supposed to be.