Brains!

I like the idea of having a boy friend tonight.

I saw two dead house cats today, hit and run, placed on the side of the road.

I played with kittens today; their eyes are like tide pools.

I am pining so much for something from someone, and what I imagine I want from this person is something I will never know until I try, I guess that is why I am at where I am. Sometimes I feel like everything I think I have gained in my life, is either an illusion or accompanied with more crazy human habits and issues, which are growing equally fast. A lot of time I have to remind myself that yes I am only human. And a human girl at that, I may believe there are things boys and girls do and feel the same, but there are many things that are meant to be different. And in my case all these human habits and issues I keep talking about are the ones that may be distinctly female and even distinctly Caitlin. They cannot be changed, nor can they be pushed away, stopped, but rather recognized, dealt with only after that.

I bought a book today by Marion Zimmer Bradley, The Forest House. It’s the prequel to her Mists of Avalon. That book stayed with me, and it morphed with other ideas, other books nd pushed forward my sense of being in touch with my girl side. The path in the moonlight and the power I have within myself that I sometimes realize, that my eyes sometimes tap into pulling in the boys around me, and yet I still stand unreachable, only to falter and pull inwards again away, hiding in the undergrowth from winking stars and my guide. When she comes back again, I hope it is not when I am already too far-gone down one path or the other. I ramble, and I know that only I will understand what I mean when I reread these things. On the other hand, usually this strength gets me only a few moments of power, in which I feel her flowing through me like fire, and usually its in the blinding sun when I am least expecting it that people come to me on their own, when she is quiet in me, but there and un-noticeable and stronger then ever. I hope she comes back again, I feel her sometimes, now and then, and when I look at the skylight in my room on a fully moonlit night I know she is waiting outside for me, to take my hand, and take me down to dance around her glowing fires.