Brains!

The way I am able to sit down and think things through has been a little less then stable over the past few weeks. But it seems to be settling a little bit more. In the time after being cut off, when I went to Camel Rock, I thought about all the things I wanted to show and share, and never got to. That hurt me a lot, almost more then the cutting off. Being cut off, I thought was wrong on their part, so it didn’t hurt me at the time. It’s strange how certain things said mean a lot more, or hurt a lot more then just flat out saying other things. Sometimes when I think about making things all better, I get confused with who I put in that situation, and that still bothers me. But I think I only place them in my imagination cause I have only felt like that with them. But there were other things left out back there, other things I was not getting. And those things that are added now, that I’m not appreciating should be the ones I’m focusing on. I know that I don’t want to be drunk at parties, meeting random people and hooking up with them. After that I felt gross, not only because it was just too much all at once not my style, but because my turn around rate was nasty, and always is nasty, and because I was being touched by someone I wasn’t even attracted to in the first place. The guilt tore through my chest that night, and I lay there, half conscious of any of the stuff happening to me, or being sad to me. Everything that he offered, were the things I wanted to be offered to me, and I didn’t want any of it. It was lighting me up less, then the slow process I was going through on the other side. Now I wanted to do it the other way, but now I couldn’t. When I got the email, I realized then, and only then, not from the stupid text message earlier in the week, how much I actually was needed. I realized how much I meant to them. They admitted they were wrong. That said a lot. That meant a lot. Of course after that I threw up, literally. I sat down wrote about my nights shenanigans, and sat anxiously for three hours waiting a response. When I got it, I was so relieved, and my body let go literally and it felt so good. Everything I said was in my defense, but also more of an offering. I answered all the questions as truthfully as I could and as honest to my heart as I could. But there were no more promises made. Just a burning feeling in my heart that I needed to find out what I wanted, and he agreed, yet I know now he needs me, and that cannot do it with out telling him all, and sharing it with him, and maybe through that I can get over this depression. The past few nights hearing his voice, the way I got to know him in the first place, completely reminded me of a few months ago, when I was sublimely happy with my situation, and reminded me of the path I was on that was leading me towards the place I wanted to be. But now, with all that has happened. I don’t really know what will happen. I just know the things I don’t want, not really the things I do. I know what I would love to see happen, that I always imagine doing with a really important significant other, travel. But I do not know if what I want in the meantime will get me there.