Brains!

I don't want to write all the things I have to say. I'm sick of being sad. I feel like pushing everything under the rug like it doesn't exist. I want someone to take care of me, and make everything between us better, I don't want to be the one who has to do it. I'm sick of trying to be strong and in control. I want to melt.

I feel like people have great loves in their life. There are times where you're definitely in love, but it's not great, not like another time. I feel like a lot of people go through relationships, get stuck in them, and they aren't good, not bad, just not what that person dreams of. And when you have had a glimpse of that perfect love, but it was off because of timing, thats when it hurts the most. Sometimes I feel like I know my doom, like I made a choice, and later I realize it was wrong, and that some other stuff with drag on painfully mostly because of factors beyond my control. For some reason I feel completely deserving of this fate. Also I feel like I cannot stand my ground against it, because then I would be utterly alone, in the freezing cold of my cave. But this time I'm not panicking, this time I'm not anxious, I feel like crying, but it doesn't feel like I'm going to die inside. My chest is tight yes, but its not the same as it was in November, its calmer now. I'm more submissive.