Brains!

sometimes i find remnants of old times and it hurts so bad, the same wrenching heart feeling, i literally notice the way my face probably grows soo unhappy. this time is was a note pad with familiar scribble on it. afterwards i go through a series of questions in my head, which really never lead me to any conclusion. eventually my mind just turns to other thoughts and it passes.

sometimes it's so hard to be patient. sometimes i want to stamp my foot and scream "pay attention to me". but that's not who i can be anymore, that is not a good person to want to be, that is a child.

a lot of days i think about what i can do, meaning what i can try, and most of the time i get discouraged from doing it because i think i'll get laughed at, or questioned. i never had that worry before.

i keep having really awful dreams. they aren't scary, they just make uncomfortable, or sad, or they make me feel so god awful lonely. the last one i had, i found myself convincing people that they should like me, and stop judging me just because i am the old one. unclear i know, but i don't feel like explaining. i woke up feeling so left out, so sad, even in my dreams i do not like being un-liked, or upset with.

even though i am coping a lot better with things, it is so freaking hard to participate in a long distance relationship, it really is.