Brains!

I'm staving off growing up.

This probably sounds dramatic. This probably sounds fantastical. But sometimes, in fact ever since I got back to LA, I've had a feeling of impending doom about the world. It's over due or something, for some sort of catastrophe. It's like someone who collects parking tickets, never paying them off, until they explode forth from your glove box, in some gigantic whirl wind of disaster in your car. the economy, the environment, iraq, afghanistan, russia, georgia, africa, china, hurricanes, earth quakes, oil, water, weather ... ultimately its like that movie I watched said, we've been asleep globally since world war II. Nothing pulled so many people into it. Now we're in a coma, all these little things build up, like those blasted parking tickets. I dunno maybe I'm losing my mind, spinning fatalisic conspiracies in my mind. I'm not saying any of these events are connected, and maybe I'm only paying attention now, when things have finally trickled down to the individual, and these things have been happening all along. Hmm Yes they have. But still deep down in my gut, I feel like something is building.

I've read two books my J. Martin Troost, one about Kiribati, and another about Figi and Vanautu, I hear he has a new one out about China. Either way, both these books have only fueled my loathsome feelings towards becoming a responsible US citizen, with a good job, and independent home. That's what I'm supposed to do, thats what I should do. I mean really I should mostly because of the burden I place on my parents making pennies each month. But it's hard for me for multiple reasons. One I'm lazy. Two these Troost books have instilled in me a want, a burning need to escape. He and his girl escape to paradise, and although when they get there, its everything but paradise, they're not in America. In between the island hopping, moving back to America pulled them deep into the recesses of society, disgusted with social system here, until they new they had to move back again, escape again. So yes reason two that I can't neatly fit into what I'm supposed to do, is that I am still holding out for that escape. Reason three goes along with reason two; I'm not sure if I've found the person I want to do that with, or is willing to do it. Either way, nothing can be done till may when he graduates. But I think he would if we were financed. But I know I can't do it on my own, there is no way. N0 way. Reason four is that the world now, as I see it is so backwards and fucked, that it's hard to imagine a real life even if I got one now, in the next 20 years. I tell you something is going to happen! Even if Mr. Obama gets elected, something is going down haha.

So there you go, that's why I'm not growing up yet. In fact I told my boss, listen I need to be getting paid, I ain't gonna be your intern slave anymore you old fart! Okay so I didn't use those words exactly, but the result is now I'm a paid employee. And although I get paid diddley squat, nothing close to supporting a real life in Los Angeles anyway, I'm able to pay for my own things, and that feels sooo much better mentally. However I'm still on a low work load, because again I don't want to grow up. I'm enjoying my endless free time, and wasting time, and just floating around my life, and doing anything. It's like my mind has already taken its escape, and practicing what I would be doing if I could go away. But the rest of me hasn't caught up yet.

Another note, is that we've joined a gym. I love my sore muscles, I don't think I've ever loved pain so much! I can't wait to see the results, especially Jordan's.

(I think that this post is a reflection of my mental state. Usually when I'm happy, content, satisfied etc. I'm able to delve into a lot more other then just my "problems", I can finally write something other then "woe is me!")