Brains!

I haven't been anxious like this in a long time. But its starting to build. The stone is rolling back on my chest, resting on my sternum marrying its self to my bones. I feel like its blooming into the rest of my body, to my very finger tips.

I was looking at one of my mothers books describing Chakras. You know those obscure rainbow cirlces drawn on various Eastern versions of the Buddahs and such. Its the circles of energy eminating from the spine. Your life force energy. And the Fourth Chakra, or the Heart Chakra, is where the phsyical meets the mental of my anxiety. Sanskrit: अनाहत, Anāhata. Its function is love and inner passion. I suppose it makes sense for this Chakra to feel the opposite of love, if love spreads from the heart to the rest of the body, then when that Chakra is fucked up, its going to send out something else? Am I stretching this too much? The only place where the anxiety sort of gets caught, is in my throat. And hey! Whada-ya-know, there's a Chakra there too. The fifth Chakra, the Throat. Sanskrit: विशुद्ध, Viśuddha. The throat function is communication and creativity. Well that doesn't make any sense? I'm being creative right now, in some people's opinions, and communicating. But maybe its something else I'm not doing in my real life.

Maybe if I talked to a real Yogi, not some Santa Monica mom poser, I would come closer to really figuring out Chakras. But in the long run, knowing about the Chakra's doesn't really do anything unless you are a real Yogi in my opinion. I'm kind of rambling because that's what I do in an anxious state of mind. It just kind of spills out all ugly like that. In fact now im reading more about Chakras I realize I'm probably severly misinterpreting them and construing them to make them work for my problems.

The real reasons I'm anxious are deep. Not like philisophical and moving, nothing like profound and worthy of the rest of the world hearing. Just moving through my life things change, the things in the deep are the things I don't even realize exsist until they are on top of me. Or until after, I look back and realize jeezes that voice is there, it was there the whole time. When the misconnects happen, the forgiveness goes away...