Brains!

So 2008 has been the year with the most blog posts so far, and I reached my goal of more then 100.

Books:
I just finished the last book written in Charlaine Harris' southern vampire series, and discovered that book 9 will be released sometime in May. Thank goodness that is so far away...my brain is practically mush from the bazillion pages of trashy, crappy, but ultimately addicting stories.
In fact this year, I've read a lot of books. And I'm very very very happy for it. I thought after school I'd probably stop doing anything mentally stimulating. But I guess I ended up craving the stimulation. (Same with writing, as I mentioned with my opening sentence!)

Reflections of my year with Jordo:
I've been peering into the past. In fact trying to remember this time last year. For some reason it seems ancient, and kind of well, like the memory is something tangible, that its disintegrating. I read a couple of the blogs from back then, of which there were a lot. I remember crying on the phone to Jordan, I remember yelling at him down the phone in the back of Rainbow Acres. I remember how huge the distance was between us. The sense of insecurity. How much I was stuck in the past. All that damn emotional baggage. How much I was expecting. Too much. I was expecting so much, dying for things to be familiar, for him to be the way I thought boyfriends were supposed to be, in fact for a while after I got home in May, I was still doing it, still expecting.

Luckily I let go of my emotional baggage when I cut James out completely, refusing to talk to him. Refusing to let the memories haunt me, and riddle me with fake illusions. When I did that, I was released of my emotional baggage. And when I had coffee with him, all I could think about was how uncomfortable I was in his presence, not because I still cared for him, but because I couldn't figure out why I dated him in the first place. I mean yeah I remember happy things, but really in the end, I don't have any connections with him at all anymore. Its a void area. Its a wonderful feeling. Time and distance does the trick.

Its only been recently, like in the last month or two that I've actually let go of a lot of expectations that were causing me to wonder if Jordan was worth anything at all. But he's worth so much more since I understand and let go of him. I think Scotland proved that the most. I didn't know what to expect. Was my clingy side going to take over me? Was I going to be miserable away from him. I wasn't. It was wonderful. Before I went, we had those conversations. And I finally realized, that there was nothing I was doing wrong. It was all up to him. I just had to do my own thing, stop trying to force things onto a path that I assumed was the one that all relationships take.

Since then, things have only improved tremendously. Its silly sounding, but the less I'm concerned about him the more it works out. I mean obviously I'm concerned, but I've adjusted my approach to it, from clingy, bossy, expecting, controlling, self destructive, to doing my own thing essentially. I just said fuck it, he doesn't want me in that way, then I don't want him either in that way. So I read the Sookie books, I actually played wow solo, achieving goals without anyone else (which I had never done before), went to Scotland, stayed at home alone, went out with the girls etc. And eventually because I relieved the pressure of "why aren't things going a specific way", things ended up improving between us. Now they are going a way I rather like, a lot, of their own natural volition. In fact things that had disappeared have now flared up with a vengeance. We are getting so used to each other, that we've built the connections between us, and we compiment each other well, in that we've learned the right responses. (Theres a lot more to that last statement, but I don't think it has much to do with this particular subject)

And so the point is, I'm very happy, despite the fact that I have terrible days. Ultimately right now, after this holiday season, (which tends to make one reflect and be thankful and crap), I am a mountain of solid happiness, which only sometimes gets blanketed a snow of unhappiness. How cheesy is that analogy? Anyway, who knows where things go from here. But at least now I'm quite contented.