Brains!

At least I'm sleeping. I wake up a few minutes before my alarm. These days, I sleep with my windows open, and in the mornings I can already hear the hum rising up from the LA freeways. I lay there dreading the high pitched tone that will soon pierce the buzzing air. I'm fine once I get out of bed, but there is something so painful about knowing its pointless to go back to sleep, but too early to actually get out of bed.

After work, I get home and I dissolve into television. I picked up Twilight to try to balance mindless TV with mindless reading, but I think Stephenie Meyers' writing might so bad, that it's not acceptable for even mindless brain activities. I miss yelping, I miss writing. I did it so much when I was unemployed. Now I don't have anything to write about, and I'm worried I'll lose what I built up. I'll probably want to write, but I'm worried the need will go away.

Sometimes I look in the mirror at home and I don't even recognize myself. It's not that I've changed in any way. I just look and I think, is that really what I look like? Like I forgot or something. It's really weird. When I look at the mirror at work, all I can think about is how much I don't fit. It's dawning on me, everyday, that I can't just force myself to do meaningless-to-me work. I'm not detail oriented, I get too distracted, and I'm not good at memorization. All things that most office jobs require. It's occurred to me I might feel differently if I actually cared about it, or felt like the work was going to be used for something I care about. It's helping to push me to serious and needed analysis.