Brains!

I'm not a bad person through and through. I just could have been a better person. But at the same time, somethings have to happen. On that note, I believe this now more than ever, people come and go out of your life when you need them and want them, and sometimes it's completely out of your control. Often times beautiful things happen when they go, sometimes not. We'll see. In the meantime, the other friendships slipping through my fingers I'm trying to reinforce so as not to lose them at the expense of my lifestyle.

On that note, I've learned some hard lessons. Not everyone is comfortable talking about certain things. And people really do remove certain things from their lives, or place an extreme importance, make it too sacred, so they react negatively. I just assume, anything is fair game, it's fun for me, I learn from it, and so why shouldn't everyone else? It's a foreign concept to me, because of where I am now, but I realize it's always been like this for me. Why do people get so damn penis hurt? There is a lot that goes into this explanation, that I'm still exploring and learning about. Learning the limits of 'TMI' with different people depending on my relationship to them. Anyway now I step with a lot of consideration, however I make no apologies for myself either. It's just a matter of what information I tell.

I'm so truly excited for things in my life. I still get sad, who doesn't? I miss a lot, I love a lot, but I don't see any hate, I don't see any anger. I look at those months and wonder who was in my body during those months, I don't recognize that person. That's what trauma is. I had this discussion in my last session. After people look at that time period as if it was a parallel universe. Did that really happen? Was it really that bad? I didn't sleep, eat, I couldn't make it through a day. But slowly I pulled myself out, and now I look back and feel like a lot of my past was occupied by some strange former version of myself. It's probably why my recovery has exponentially increased in speed it seems. I just hope it doesn't backfire violently. I suppose next Friday will be a good test. But I just don't see it as a real possibility because I'm so removed from those sections of my life. Because you compartmentalize trauma so as to function after.