Brains!

More from my writing...

"Well this is it the day. The first day of the rest of my life, i can either change my ways or everday after this will be the same as today and before. You see if i am a true Traveler then i am a true adapter, well i better kick my ass into adapting ASAP."

ack im one year less then 20 freaky! yeah i dont feel different but thats how birthdays work. Either way alot of stuff i suppose has happened in the last year, mostly in this year of the last year, am i making any sense no? but do i ever make any sense. Im just talking right now, just letting my fingers do the transcribing. I dont know what the next year will hold but i find i dont like looking ahead far. And another thing ive over come the regret that i feel about certain things. i realize that eventually one comes to understand that everything had to happen this way or the good things you have now ( and the bad) would not be in your life right now. You would be a totally different person if you had said no, or if you had said yes or whatever....I dunno i dont want to say everything happens for a reason-but everything does happen and obvioulsy it brings you to where you are now for better or for worse. i guess my point is being alive is what im happy for right now. being able to feel is what im happy for, i dont ever want to go completely numb. I dont want to go back to that time i had forgotten about. i almost feel like its sneaking up on me again though, but this time nstead of being numb about it, im letting fill me up.

Aleisha and i have spent this whole week together practically. I really do love her company, and she is an extraordinary person. I look up to her alot for her advocacy of social justice and for her humanitarian views of the world. Sometimes i am such an idiot, and i can feel that pang of regret i thought i had gotten rid of, but it seems now that i am more open with everything i do, i can fix the silly conflicts i create and it can bring people together.

I was sitting in the light in the upper hallway of Founders Hall yesterday writing and it was glorious. It sort of reminded me of the day i sat in the light on the stairs in my dads house for a couple of hours, just sitting. That must be a year ago now. I thought about how i was restrained on the stairs. How in founders i could almost feel the chains coming back to bind my feet to the ground. I can feel the shallow breathe coming back, the way i had to force the air down to the my belly and the way my heart seems to shrink suddenly like a balloon deflating. I dont know maybe im just thinking i can handle the way things have turned out and really in the long run its silently destroying me.