Brains!

Songs of the day:
"Shiver" - Coldplay
"There's a fine, fine line.." - Avenue Q
and also Phish and Jack Johnson

THE SUM OF EVERYTHING SO FAR
It’s all slipping through my fingers. I could see it after he came down the mountain, that gleam in his eyes was gone, he left it there on that mountain. I knew there was something off. Ironic. Something was so obvious to me, but everyone kept telling me otherwise. Now I don’t know whom to believe. I think he just got too scared. He realized what it was we were doing and he got spooked. He listened to the way other people talked about us, maybe realized how much I actually liked him and he got scared. I mean it did happen so fast, within a week we were together, and for about three weeks of the time we were under the together label it was great. But his Zen zone on that mountain whispered otherwise, made him double-think. But you cannot really go back can you? What does he want? Did he ever want this really? Did he ever really care? I hardly have any idea of how to act now. What is ok to do and say around him? The waves of sadness and longing keep washing over me and making me seasick. I thought getting in the car for 7 hours would be horrible. Then I thought not too bad. I mean I guess its crappy, but if I lost him completely, if he had left it till later, when he just couldn’t handle it and would have to cut me out of his like completely I would go insane with sadness, despite the crap I’m feeling right now.

I did cry for an hour, silently, and maybe he noticed maybe he didn’t, but I did have my cry. Then something crazy happened, a buttercup can make your whole life different with one inhale. I spoke and we talked and laughed with out the awkwardness that could have been there. I think I could see my despondency go out the car window and get caught in the redwoods. That feeling got left there in the trees, like he left his gleaming eye on that mountain. And I think it did for the most part. Maybe the way we acted like friends again after the buttercup is proof that we can go back to a version of the old. That aspect of our relationship is closed, but we still have all those other things between us. We came through all that, and I poured out my heart to him after and he listened. Maybe I did that because I was scared if I didn’t say anything I never would and I really would loose him. Now I realize that our love for each other’s company was what I was concerned about not loosing, and giving up those parts of the things we shared was the sacrifice I had to make just to stay with him in some way or another. Having said that it shows how attached I really am I guess. I will always wait I think. Always, I will wait for him. If he came to me and said he was wrong I would take him back. If he kissed me for nothing more then kissing’s sake I would let him. I would risk my unhappiness to be close to him. If we just end up as friends I am happy I have not lost him all the way, like Colleen did, but I will always miss him. He sits on my bed right now, and I am happy for that. I am happy he is not distant right now. I hope I am not writing this down to soon, based on one day of judgment.