Brains!

At least I don't feel like I am dead, actually I kinda feel like what I always dreaded when I was a little kid. Grown up. None of this happens to you when you're little. At first I took it hard, I stuck my feet in the sand and let the waves come. I didn't back down. I cried, I broke down... Now I am getting to the point of strange limbo, I care, but I don't too. I make sense, but I don't either. I can't explain, but I know I have been in his shoes, you can't always explain why you are breaking someone. To be honest with you, I don't know what is going to happen now. I don't know if I will break down, and drown again in the easiness that is this relationship. I don't know if I'm even looking for something. I don't really know what I am doing, but the fact that I'm still not toppling over yet, may say something about why this is happening.

Then I think back over the past six months of this two year time. And I remember the doubts I had, what I wasn't happy with but ignored. These things are all around me now, reminding me that if I went back I would be tied up again. No not tied up, but I would shield myself from the outside. I know that I hardly made the effort to do anything because other stuff might mess up what this was. I mean I had this constant fear that if I was not with him 24/7 I would grow apart. That I would find something better. Deep down I knew, that if I found something/someone better I would probably pursue it, and drift apart. So I closed myself off from doing anything real, in fact WOW only contributed. It sheltered me from reality like a drug abuser. There are other things too, obvious little nuisances. Being the mother, no intellectual stimulation etc. That I think about going back to, and I don't want to.

But I'm scared of the alone. I am scared of having to build all that up again, even though at the moment I don't want to have anything to do with it. I'm scared of my sudden physical consciousness. I am scared of never having that communication, and comfort level. I really am, the ease of slipping back into the shelter makes this a really hard decision to make. However in spite of all those things, I feel like I have to do this, or I'll never know the other stuff...see the thing here is I'm choosing between two regrets. The regret of never knowing other things, and the regret of loosing the only thing I had. It's the risk I have to take. I feel like if we went back to the way things were, I would be lying to myself, to him too. I feel like if I went back I would come to this cross road again. It would haunt me forever...

But still all those reason don't make the breaking of someone easier to deal with. I feel like a terrible person because I am one.