Brains!

Well as you can see, from my last post I’m 21 now. Since spring break a couple weeks ago my whole “self” has been…well let’s just say I’m not “right”, whatever that means. Aleisha took me bar hopping, and Galen came to. I had about four shots, I think, a couple of beers too. We ended up just sitting in Toby and Jack’s talking for about two hours, deep in to the night. I found I had to yell to be understood, but I don’t know if that’s why I was feeling so empowered to talk or the alcohol or just me. Probably a combination. But we told Galen everything about our past, including wild birthdays from freshman year. It was just a great thing for me to talk about, because it was, as close to telling the real person the real shit I should have said back in the day. But that’s really a closed subject I realized. After we talked I still didn’t feel too inclined to care anymore.

The week went on, and my hormones and I now I am stressed when I break out in disgusting cold sores send me in to wild frenzies of frustrated words. Last night and this morning seemed to be the culmination of everything. However it wasn’t a break down, it was a dream. I want to think it meant something as much as I want to forget it because it’s only a dream. It was simple. Not much to say that would make any sense written. I was in a cemetery, and these other guys I was hanging out with-ones of which I maybe met once in my life were there. They wanted to take me to the Window Room. But as soon as I saw I had to crawl down a tunnel to get there, I couldn’t handle it. I said, “guys I cant do this, it’s my claustrophobia. I walked down the hill of the cemetery to a shady place close to the road. Across the street houses that reminded me of southern California bordered the road. I saw across the street familiar people crossing the road; people that resembled people in my geography department. For the purposes of the next part I am going to call this person Bob, I don’t know any Bobs so that works. But Bob came out the crowd, “Caitlin!” he said and ran over to me. We embraced the way we do when we see each other, always tight. “What are you doing here?” I asked, apparently realizing we were in Venice California. What happens next is kind of blurry, but the clearest thing I remember next is sitting on the grass, leaning back on our hands, our legs stretched out before us. Bob generally likes to stand or sit close to people, seems to be in his nature. The closeness was an obvious tension between us, and I looked up knowing that we were going to kiss. And of course we did, and I was enjoying it, more then just a typical “sex dream”, but rather more like my entire ‘self” was except for one thing. I kept feeling my eyes tighten, as I knew I should pull away. I thought about James. But for some reason in my dream I wanted this more then that whole thing. Strange how easy and willing people are to give up their entire life for something so small? It seemed to go on for a long time, me grabbing his arm indecisively pulling him towards me and pushing him away. I cannot remember if that is all, but I know the next thing was waking up blurry and delirious. I thought it could have been real, so many of dreams sometimes feel like that. But I was still in the messy smelly bedroom with James already clicking away at his Mactintosh.

Believe it or not I told James, a true testament to the communication in our relationship. (Of course this never crossed my mind when I was caught up in my dream). I didn’t tell him the identity of Bob, but I told him how I wanted it to happen in the dream, and everything I have written thus far. We have never spoken of “cheating” amongst the hundreds of other issues we deal with. However it was always known that James would be upset, and I would decide my feelings upon understanding the situation. To be honest I always say he should get more “girl” experience. But of course couldn’t happen, even though I always say it with the slightest bit of truth. However it wasn’t till this day that we had this conversation that I learned what James means by “upset”. To him it’s “I am with this person, there is no one else”. To him this relationship is so sacred that there is no questioning it farther then dreams or thoughts one has about other people. However in an “open relationship” it would be different. Seems he is all in to the labels, the morality. For anyone else they can do whatever they want, but for him this is how it is. Which means of course I have to fit in. If I were to some how come in to the situation of kissing Bob or anyone else, and I did not make a concerted effort to stop, James would be over it, there would be no leeway or forgiveness, he says he would be utterly devastated. He’s entitled to feel this way, and by all means should feel this way.

But suddenly I grew very weary of our relationship. I grew sad, and distant. I started to think about Bob. I started to think about the fact that if that ever happened it would never be forgiven. Now I know I am choosing. If that moment ever came about I would have to consider all the facts that I had not before. Then I took a step back and realized that I was seriously considering my whole relationship and throwing it to the wind. That everything about a new apartment plans and crap for the future, suddenly they didn’t mean anything all because of the feeling I had in that dream. That feeling that suddenly emerged in that dream, that has always been digging deep in me since we met. It’s connected to that whole issue of “will this be the last person I ever kiss? Being here I risk never getting the full dating experience”.

I sat a while depressed in the messiness of our lives. I had to take James to work and finish up a bunch of research in the Cartography lab so I wasn’t able to really think much about crap anymore. Now it’s just this weak idea, that feels so good and so awful at the same time.

And I look at myself and say, “how selfish and goddamn evil I am, I am so evil”.