Brains!

I think I've finally pinpointed my weekday anxiety. Since Jordan moved, I find myself completely lost during the week. I think I'm more pissed at myself for the weakness then I am worried about my feelings. I have yet to figure out exactly why I am so needy and clingy...but at least now I know why I've been feeling such extreme lows during the week.

When I was away at school, I got the same kind of anxiety when I was away from Jordan, even away from James. It wasn't something that went away easily. I realized that it was because I wasn't in control of it, the obligation of school controlled our lives. When Jordan moved to Simi for work, the change somehow triggered that anxiety. His living in Thousand Oaks was always the norm, his moving to Simi clearly changed that. It has nothing to do with the distance, both his parents and Simi are like 35 miles from my house. I don't know maybe that's not it. All I know is that as soon as I leave Jordan's presence I start to get that creeping anxious feeling. I can't sleep. My mind rolls over and over what I'm missing out on, what it means for our future, whether or not it's hurting our relationship, or worse.

I think I've changed so much over the past two years, while at the same time, I'm exactly the same person. Maybe it's not really change as it is a study in submission and compromise. And that's not just in relationships, but in everything that's happened to me since I've graduated. To be honest I think I feed my own weakness. I think that a lot of people might freak out at that, but I assure I'm thinking a lot about where I'm going, who I am, what's happening to me. It's really just something I need time to figure out. For the moment giving a fair chance to everything new is where I'm at. And until I'm in a strong place I can't really move forward. What do I mean by strong place, well first getting this surgery on my back, and second getting back in shape. I feel like 70% of my problems stem from being incredibly out of shape and having gained like 15 pounds. I know it's pathetic and I should accept myself, but fuck that shit, if I feel like shit mentally because of the weight gain then clearly it's not something I should accept.