Brains!

I haven’t cried in months. And I am now. A whole toilet paper roll’s worth of tears to dry up. I haven’t felt more stressed and worried in years. I am so depressed, I’m finally facing the real hard truth about why I have all my sleepless nights, why I don’t want to go to school anymore, why I’m freaking grasping at straws. I am simply in a state of depression, that I have been trying to suppress even ignore. It’s hard for me to imagine someone I loved so deeply looking into someone else’s eyes with the same desire and intensity of complete devotion. I don’t even think I’m capable of doing that ever again with anyone. I don’t know if this weekend will change my mind about it either, or just reaffirm my beliefs. I don’t even know if I want to look at anyone else that way again, maybe I could love him or her, but it would never be the same. It’s never going to be the same as before. I feel like I’m not sure if could ever love that passionately again, as if I could ever have the opportunity to even try. I have the strangest feeling I am going to be alone the rest of my life, and that I may have had the chance not to be a hundred times over with a hundred different people or maybe just one, and that I fucking through my life down the drain. I’m so completely desperate at the moment to get some inclination that my life which has been spiraling out of control since my car accident, no since my bloody 21st birthday will ever feel good again for more then a period of one day. I have no joy in anything I do. I don’t have an affirmation; guarantee that I will be a whole person ever again. When I got drunk, I was crying about all the real things I am depressed about, not because of the days events, but when I was saying “don’t leave me alone” I was calling out to my old self, my friends, my old familiar comforting people. I just feel utterly completely alone, and I’m being led farther and farther away from places of complete security. I keep thinking this one weekend will cure everything, that magically he might turn into the perfect person for me, but its so hard to convince myself of that. It’s so hard, and that can only mean that there maybe no hope at all this weekend, that I’ll come back to Humboldt complete worn to my very soul. I’ll fall deeper into a slump of depression eventually leading me to a place I have never been, because I am reaching the threshold of where I have never ever gone past before. I get waves of okay-ness, where things seem to brighten up, either in excitement or company or words spoken, but moments later I doubt all over again, deep within me that everything will be okay. I know that most people end up leading miserable unhappy lonely lives, my sister for example, and I’m prone to end up like her. I’m terrified of everything. Someone just give me a chance to be happy again, to have someone love me again, let me not be stupid enough to ruin it, let me realize that I am lucky to have it, let me give back to them, and let me please please please not be alone.