Brains!

I never really believed that you felt mental pain in the physical sense. But my anguish has been expressed in a lot of physical ways. I feel like someone has reached their hands right in between my breasts to slowly bruise my soul there. The inside of my mouth is cut up, which could possibly mean that during sleep last night I chewed them up. My breath is short and shallow. I panic easily. Someone drove by and screamed “damn” at me out the window, I nearly screamed, but my body froze and I just stood there in shock. I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to see people because I will lie when they ask me “how are you?” My anchor is thousands of miles away on a distant coast, and I wish so badly to be with her so that we could hold each other up properly.

Mostly what I offered via my letter was insensitively returned in single sentences that were entirely selfish. It was emotion lacking and had a non-present attitude. I completely opened the door to moving from gray to clear, and got nothing of what I wanted to get back. When I sent the email I sat on the floor shuddering, and mostly likely it was because I knew the outcome. I was never going to get what I want, and it’s not because he isn’t the person I want, but he won’t give me what I am looking for. I think I need someone who is going to actually tell me more then once “I miss you, I want you, I want to be there for you”. And he’s not interested, or he can’t or whatever the issue is, its not there, and I don’t think it will ever be there.