Brains!

I'm not really as down as I was a couple weeks ago. The paranoia is gone, I feel a little bit more secure. However, I have a deep longing feeling for something that seems too faraway, because I'm right in the middle of point A and B. It's like crossing the ocean, you forget what shore you left over time, and you are excited for what is ahead, but you have no idea what it looks like, or if its what you imagined or remembered. I haven't cried. I haven't really had much time, thank god things started to pick up, I seem to function better in a crunch time situation.

It's interesting to me that people ask me for advice, confide in me their intimate relationship details, that I really could care nothing about. Yet another aspect of Spring I hate...

I miss my red hair sooo much.

Sometimes I wonder if my philosophies on life have changed so dramatically compared to two three years ago. I watched American Beauty the other day, and was reminded of a post I made in relation to some of the stuff in it. Curiously it's in the month of April 2005.

"I forgot where it all started. Where the spark actually came from, I know where it burned, still burns and glows sometimes fading in and out like the sun through the leaves in the forest. And then we watch American Beauty, and although its just a movie, it reminds me of that first step that I took of a staircase that went up and down and spiraled out of control. And then it tapers out to a straight path- the keystone so that everything can smooth out like paper and that is when you see the beauty. I have always been looking for it since. American Beauty, The Thin Red Line and The Secret Life of Bees remind me that I need to keep looking for it, even on the jagged parts of the path, where you seem to be climbing a ladder or falling down where the land suddenly drops away. If I can keep this as a reminder folded up in my mind perhaps I could keep myself going more effortlessly, learn how to fly over those misshapen steps. But there never a going to be a perfect way of walking, you can never really be as stable and uncompromised mentally as you might think. Unless you lived a thousand years, because this lifespan does not give us enough time to be wise, things will always come along that you are not ready for, you have not prepared for and you will have to battle and cry or laugh and love and then above all learn and grow. Help those who come next.

I guess I am trying to say that this is where my spectrum of emotion that I am always talking about comes from. I want to feel it all to its fullest extent, and so now I devote my heart entirely to the things I have a passion for. The things and people I love. I do not know if I am alone in this, and I wonder if I will ever find someone who feels the same great tug towards some light that I do. If I would ever find them if they were out there. But perhaps and now that I think about it, obviously everyone lives differently and sees the world, approaches it uniquely. That in itself is beautiful."

It's good to note this was before James, when I was quite fresh in the world. I'm pretty sure I'm cynical, 100 times more negative about everything. I generally think the worst, and believe it. It's kind of like I've lost hope, and dropped a lot of my idealism. I was literally gutted of all that, and now I'm an empty shell, or like I've said a blank wall. My general philosophy is similar, but it doesn't apply to me on the same level. There is so much beauty in the world, and I see it, but now I cry because I'm needy and anxious. And I am needy and anxious, because I don't have any substance left, Or worse perhaps I'm not doing what I'm want...

However now when I try to think of what I was like in 2005, I don't know if I really felt whole back then either. I don't think I've felt whole in my entire life. There's always this negative thorn jabbing away at my utopia.

When someone asked me, and I may have posted this earlier, what would make me happy? I answered, going home, seeing Jordan, and going a ridiculously long vacation, guh to travel, without all my stupidity. Leaving all my junk behind and just seeing...

Thus I am left longing for home so much it hurts. But now I am worried, like I said, that this middle point has left me in a place with no direction or memory. Everything I want, and remember is like a ghost.