Brains!

It's amazing when you find out that other people lives are going just as shitty as your own. I don't like to compare one persons problems to another, I think everyone's personal issues way heavily on them, even if they don't seem as trying. I don't know I guess it's comforting to know that Aleisha is in the same boat as me. We're both being pushed to our limits. Her over commitment to, and incredible love for outside school related activities is creating a lot of angst in school. She says anytime she's in class, or doing work for school, the levels of depression, stress and anxiety rise so much that all she wants to do is scream, drop it all and ultimately get the hell away. Same here.

For me, I wake in the morning, my arms are tingly and someone is pressing so heavily on my chest, coating it in sticky cold oil, that I can hardly breathe. I manifest crazy hypotheses about stuff, based around heightened over analyzing and paranoia. Olga says just to calm down, and helps me to realize I'm completely insane. She said, do what you need to do to make it right. My answer was seeing someone familiar, or not being here. I am absolutely dying for to see familiar faces, my psychosis completely drops ten levels, when I am in the company of someone I know. If I'm left at home, in my room everything starts to fill up again. Today, in weight training, I probably pushed my body too hard, because I wanted to relieve some of the physical symptoms. It sort of worked, but now I can't walk down stairs without my knees shaking.

SO I'm trying to push through by doing various school shit, forcing myself through bull crap I hardly even care about anymore, hoping to god it all gets done, wishing it would all just be over, and praying for someone to rescue me from myself. But alas that person is me, no one else. I need to find a way to completely remove myself from needing other people to make me feel better about myself. But I don't think I can do that, considering thats always been me. So I'm left waiting and hoping that someone will say something, sometimes they do, but its like a fleeting moment of stability, before I dive right back into, practically picking up my room and leaving right then and there.

Today, I called Aleisha, and said, please can I just be in the vicinity of you. I need to not be alone, even if we don't talk...so here I am at her house...enjoying a respite.