Brains!

Let me make this clear, and I think mostly for myself I mean. What I am jealous of, is based on attention. BUT not because I want everyone to stay home and talk online to me for hours, but because I cannot participate in any of the activities that I am missing out on because I am here. To be honest, I would rather the social aspect for him especially, because it is so healthy. Here I am at the end of my four years at school with only one or two good friends to show for it. I spend so much time in the cart lab seeking human contact, so much time in my living room waiting for time to go by. I talked to my mother about this, and she said "you're like me, you're a recluse, you love attention but you don't go looking for it." Bleh. So I've worked myself into a childish grumpy anxious jealous state of mind, that when nudged the wrong way, acts like a stupid face. I think that's why I would rather just avoid talking about the whole subject, babbling on complaining about "woe is me", because it is soooo stupid. But I'm hyper sensitive to anyone doing something I cannot be involved in because I am here. So here I am, spending hours and hours doing homework, which I have never done before, thinking that if I do it, time will some how go faster, I'll feel more productive, and ultimately outweigh my stupidness. It's not working however. So I have to hide as much of this as I can from people, in order for them not to become annoyed with me.