Brains!

Drop me off here on this perfect set of three. I have three wishes, more then three fates and three pearls that keep my head on.

The lighting in my room is grapefruit pink, the window lets in the southern California quiet. This is not really quiet I decide- there’s an unnatural hum.

All I can think about are the northern California beaches. All I can think about are the comfortable silences. All I can think about is how wrong this place looks without a certain someone, it’s like I am looking at an unfinished painting, like all the shadings missing. I am borderline actually sitting down and counting the days till I can see the people that matter most to me. Some it’s a few weeks, others a few months.

It’s amazing how much you realize people mean to you when they are no longer around, and the anticipation of seeing them keeps building and building till the pile gets so big you forget what you are looking at and you just keep going on.

I am worried that I have lost something in this fist year, that I am unintentionally endangering things that are very dear to me. Distance and time mix together like water and water and allow for change. It’s nearly unstoppable unless you move back to where you were, back to the previous home. And by then it could be too late anyway. It’s a risk, a horrible risk and the consequences dilute things, cause you to say “the good old times”. I have had two homes now, my house in LA, and the dorms in Humboldt. With each of these comes a set of the good old times that will never be again. That is the worst part about it all. It’s hard to say that it’s not inescapable unless you just chain yourself to one place, which nothing allows you to do, especially yourself. It’s hard to say it wont change because it’s a lie. And more then ever I am living. Humboldt let me live. I know it sounds horrible, that I am turning my back on LA. I wish I could say I wasn’t stifled here, But when I went away I grew up I suppose and I'm better for it. I don’t know where I’ll end up but can honestly say I'm genuinely happy in general. I did have some rough spots this past semester but I'm better for it, I wanted it so that I knew I was feeling something. And now I know I am capable of things. Makes one wonder what else they can do. How far they can go. I need that. I need to be able to do things on my own. The goal in the end is independence.