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My blog could be considered a dangerous thing. I don't think it is. Everything I write is completely honest. Some posts are commentary, some posts are stories, some are boring, some are fun. Most often it's a window into the part of my subconscious that cannot be communicated verbally. It's meant to be the place I spill, organize and store my abstract hidden things. You can really access a lot about me through the blog, and it's partially there for that purpose. To find out the things I cannot say, and don't necessarily need to be said. But its also a tool for me, the process of writing/blogging is therapy in some sense. However, there's a lot missing. To read it, and to think that it is all of me, would be very wrong. That's why it can be misleading. A lot of people read it, and they misinterpret. No one really knows what I actually mean by a lot of the things I say, and that's not my problem. Like I said, its only there partially for the purpose of letting people into that part of me, the rest is there for me, for my subconscious to come out. To take it literally would be a dangerous thing for the reader.

Important Pieces

In that space where infinity above meets immensity below we see the first sign of a new dawn. Dark always gives way to light; for a brief moment nothing is forbidden, everything is possible. But what would we do if the light never came? Maybe we would lie down. Maybe we could go back to sleep. Maybe we could wake up. - Adbusters

The minute I heard my first love story I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was. Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere; they’re in each other all along. - Jelaluddin Rumi (1207-1273)

Adopt the pace of nature: Her secret is patience. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"The poet Rilke was afraid that if he got rid of his demons, he would lose his angels as well. Of course the danger of clinging to our demons to save our angels is that our demons may well take over." - Tim Farrington

Amnesia is not knowing who one is and wanting desperately to find out. Euphoria is not knowing who one is and not caring. Ecstasy is knowing exactly who one is-and still not caring.
- Tom Robbins

They tell me they love me, and it does not do anything to me. That is disgustingly sad.

Partly I believe it is because of Colin for many reasons. If I met someone I would probably break and then that would be it. I would either die because I would realize he’s the first and only person I’ll love because I cant see it any other way, or I would push through it and realize there is someone else. FINALLY LET GO. Because there has to be right? He can’t be it right? He can’t be the last person? Maybe I should discuss this and get some reassurance- a knock on the head.

Even though Colin defines SCHMOE there were some qualities that he had, that no one I have ever met had. They’re inexplicable things that I cannot write down cause they would make no sense to me later anyway. But these things are the things I fell in love with, and the things I have not found in any other place. These are the things i am attracted to i have discovered.

I feel like my efforts, my new found keys are not going unnoticed; they just aren’t unlocking the right chests. IF IT'S NOT THERE, THEN ITS NOT THERE right? I guess for Colin, whatever he felt for me, if anything, just DROPPED. If that "entity attraction" is not there, then there is no forcing it. Becuase its just based on a lie and it wouldnt be fair to either person. So Colin stopped something that was not what he wanted, and tonight i stopped something before it started, to salvage friendship, which i gambled and lost with colin.

Yet why do i feel i am being so selfish? In both situations I am being selfish. I'm not okay with Colin and someone else-but if there were someone else for me I know that’s the only time I might be able to let go of him, because I would get so caught up. And then in the other situation there is this someone else, and it does nothing for me. In this person I do not see those certain things I randomly found in Colin and the relationship in general. It’s no one’s fault, its just how things turned out. SAD.

But now I am going to have to suffer this tunnel vision. Am not going to be able to love anyone else or even try to until I meet someone with these ways that I love?

A NARROW_MINDED way of searching out people. Now i'm blind and untouched by anyone else’s other qualities or advances so far. Tonight i have just put one down- But it was never there in the first place. I have always looked and tried to see it with every potential. But when I imagine what it would be like with them- I can’t. Nothings clicks. Tis not the same as what I see when I think about it with someone I’m attracted to. Sigh. It makes me so very sad and frustrated with myself that the click is not there...

I’ve never been in these sorts of situations till this year and they are changing me. I can feel it even now. Everything’s different from the last past years of my life. I never knew I could make someone feel a certain way by just being me. JEEZ what did I do? All I’ve ever been was downright honest and be me with this person. I guess I’m not that bad then eh? So I should stop putting on a show for other boys I meet? Actually now that I think about it because the narrow-minded attraction

This Blog

Important Pieces

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

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