Brains!

My blog could be considered a dangerous thing. I don’t think it is. Everything I write is completely honest. Everything I post is edited; things are added and omitted when they go from Word Document/journal page, to published. It’s a window into the part of my conscious that cannot be communicated verbally. It’s not meant to be the place I spill my hidden things, that’s why I have one in the first place. You can really access a lot about me through the blog, and it’s partially there for that purpose. But its also a tool for me, writing in general is a tool for me. Therapy in some sense. However, there’s a lot missing. To read it, and to think that’s the “be all and end all” of me, would be very wrong. That’s why it can be misleading. A lot of people read it, and they don’t take away what it actually means. No one really knows what I actually mean by a lot of the things I say, and that’s not my problem. Like I said, its only there partially for the purpose of letting people into that part of me, the rest is there for me, for my “human” side to come out, my subconscious to deal. To take it literally would be a dangerous thing for the reader.

I was thinking recently about this other side of me that no one could ever know. How there are so many sides to people you never know about, you’re not meant to know about. How no one, not even myself sometimes, can really understand what I went through in October and November. How I really got so far away from stability, because I was being pulled into such a lonely place. I want to be loved completely, wholly, I want to be “fought for”, I want to pined over passionately, and I want to know its happening.

I realize now that Jordan and I are complete opposites on an emotional and operational level. It’s strange that we even like each other at all. We’re incompatible in so many ways. The love I have for him seems to be like a low-lying fog, it hasn’t lifted to clear skies yet. I’m not sure where I am with it. His logic, stubbornness and “my way or the highway” attitude, clashes completely with my emotional, “by the seat of your pants”, bends over backwards for the other person attitude. I was so happy to have a normal conversation, of talking face to face, without yelling. (I should really write more about our personality differences, but I feel like its not necessary at the moment, nor can I entirely concentrate on figuring that out on any level) Even though it seemed to go in circles, it seemed to make me more confused and clearer at the same time.

I’m not sure where any of this goes, for either of us, or both of us, or whatever. But I’ve come to the conclusion, that if I want out, that’s what is supposed to happen. Not saying I want it to happen. But rather, that everything happens for a reason I believe, people are in your life for the time they are supposed to be, for however long you need them. I’ll know when the time is right for whatever changes come. It will happen on it’s own as everything does.

But I do know that, after this conversation the other half of me, the understanding half of me, sees somehow that hint of why it does work, why there is no real reason for me to be the way I am, or for him to be the way he is, that there is some other thing that holds people together, rather then just personalities. That gives me hope. That there’s something developing in me, slowly, not like the roller coaster of previous times, this is a slow change for me. An extremely hard, emotional change, that needs to happen for me to grow. This is the better way, maybe not the write way, but a path to take.