Brains!

The following is a wee journal entry that I have been working on all week, I’ve finally edited enough for posting.

I’m interested in understanding what other people actually think of me as a person. When they see or read, what are they really taking away from it? I know that what I am doing is honest to myself, and I assume that other people read all the things I put out there, everything, and from those things, believe me. But I guess that’s not the case. I think really it’s not something that can be fixed, and actually that doesn’t really bother me. I know what I’m doing is honest, and also I know too, that I am only human. I try my hardest to convey everything I have to give, or want to give. I do know that if the bridges are built, as they have been as of recently, it’s incredibly easy for me to fall deeper and deeper into that person. And as that happens, I grow more and more stable about knowing that I want it, that I need it, that I miss it, that I would do anything for it. And as that happens, my anxieties, my relapses and my concerns for retarded things, that don’t really matter or that miss the whole picture, melt away. I didn’t even notice till I realized that nothing was bothering me the way I thought it would, those shadows didn’t come back. The only thing now I’m anxious about is getting back into it, meaning going home, when’s the next time I get to see him? Because you only experience half of the person when your 600 miles apart. Those five weeks, allowed for a lot to happen to me, that needed to happen, the “normal” shit that relationships get, that we couldn’t get because we were 600 miles apart. Time couldn’t go any slower! Arg.

There are no guarantees in life. I believe people are meant to be together for as long as they are meant to be together. Things come into your life and change you, whether you realize it or not, and for people to expect me to stay the same my whole life, they are going to be sorely disappointed. Like I said, I have a tendency to let everything in, and as I mature, I’m learning more how to organize those things, store them away, and cope. It’s precisely the reason I broke up with James. Back then if I ever doubted that I was making a bad decision, there was a tiny voice reminding me that it was what was supposed to happen, however cheesy that sounds. For a while that voice wavered, when I was entering a strange place I had never been before on my path in the woods. But the voice comes back now and again, in fact I think it’s whispering has lead me to a place where I have no more use for it. That was proved to me this week. I can’t make promises about which I am going to be in three months. What if something catastrophic happens, like penguins attack me, what if I get offered a job, what if? What if the distance tries on me too much? What if I am weak like that? There are hundreds of reasons for things to change, other then the whole “finding someone better”. I’ve said it a hundred times before, I don’t think anyone is better then anyone else, people are just different. Like I said, people and things come into your life for a reason, they change you, and that’s what is supposed to happen.

Right now I get excited for a lot! It’s a great feeling, that’s slowly been building, like sunrise. At first there’s the rushing craziness of night, strange inklings and curiosities about the strip of light on the horizon, the things that could come. But when that sun starts rising, and it gains momentum it can happen rather quickly, catch you up in its arms suddenly. “Starting out intensely can easily lead to a burn out”. This time, I’ve sat down, and am consciously watching the sunrise, it’s going slower, but I’m noticing the details, just like I was told I would. The things I should be paying attention to, not the expectations I have. They are the sweetest pinks and oranges that now spill upwards towards me. I like this a lot. I love this in fact. I wish desperately that I didn’t have to be here, even though I love Humboldt so much, I want to go back to the building, I want the sun to keep rising, and for it to keep going. That’s an important thing to say, that I am so completely wanting it to keep going, exactly like this, and like I said “And as that happens, I grow more and more stable about knowing that I want it, that I need it, that I miss it, that I would do anything for it” to keep going!