Brains!

The smallest things clue me in. But a lot of times I’m so suspicious of the meanings behind the actions, and I end up reacting in the wrong way. Is this a sincere meaning or a sarcastic one? Why are moving your fingers over my skin delicately like you never have before?

“Can I have some scissors?”
“What for?”
“The string, I think its psychologically choking me and making my head hurt more.”
He pulled out a pair of orange handled scissors from the mess of his drawers. I precariously snipped the braided string from around my neck. He held out his hand and I placed the string in it, not even having time to wonder what he wanted it for. Laying it over his knee he started tying it to his left wrist. I thought about how every time I watch him using his dominant left hand; I get the strangest urge to giggle. This time I didn’t, instead I helped him tie it, snipping off the long tails. Taking one of these left over pieces I did the same thing, tying it to my right wrist. It didn’t occur to me later that this might have a lot of meaning for me, but I was held up because I could not tell if there was some double meaning to the whole act. He always tears off the wristbands given to us for bowling nights, while I have once kept mine on for four weeks. Apparently he likes that I keep mine on though, and seems startled when ever I mention taking it off. He didn’t seem saddened by my snipping off my necklace of string, and tying it around his wrist wasn’t a premeditated plan, it just happened, on its own. Something in that is amazing.

“Do I complain as much as other girls?”
“Yes”
“Oh”
“Just kidding. Well you complain about different things”
“Oh?”
“They complained about being places, being bored, always saying ‘can we leave yet?’”
“I don’t complain about that.”
“I know that’s what I’m saying. The things you complain about are about you, they are more painful.”
“I guess I don’t complain about going places, because I spent two years locked up in my bedroom.”
“Who locked you up?”
“James I mean…he was the girl you see, never wanting to go out, always wanting to stay home for WoW.”

The above conversation isn’t particularly eloquent or insightful, but usually the ones that stay with me, and are the most easily forgettable. Usually only I remember them. This one is another example of my curiosities about his meaning. I wasn’t sure if he was happy about it, or indifferent. I wonder a lot if there are any qualities that set me apart from any other girl. At one point during our new years conversation he mentioned, “You try to relate to me on an emotional level”. That meant a hell of a lot to me, to hear him say that. It was one defining attribute that made me special or different from any other girl he could get.

I realize even if this doesn’t/isn’t working, which by the way seems to change with the moment for me, I have lost some key elements in myself about how I approach any person I meet. Well it’s more like I have lost the recognition that what I love to do is understand someone. It’s why I don’t mind listening to stories that people can go on and on about. It’s why anytime Jordan explains technical things, or geology, or social psychology, or whatever it is, I’m so turned on and fascinated, because I love learning, and understanding what makes that person so happy.

The past week has actually been wonderful on so many levels that I wanted right when I got home, but it’s like we have to fall back into each other before we can build anything. I am reminded of right at the end of turkey week, when I was so completely smitten suddenly, but it was the night right before I left. This time I was surprised and pleased that I figured out I had one more week before classes, and that I would get to stay longer, get to learn and establish more understanding. But like I said things turn around to darkness quite easily for me these days. I’m prone to thinking the worst, wondering what I’m missing and who.