Brains!

Sometimes I wonder if I can do anything that pleases anyone. It seems I miss the mark all the time. All I want to do is please everyone, and make them happy. That’s who I am; it’s not me trying to be something I am not, because being the best person I can be, is who I am and what I want to do. The only reason I want to know so much, is that that is what lets me in, pulls me in, the more I understand, the more I feel connected, and the more I want that so much. I want to ask questions because that’s how I find out things so that I can better myself to see if that person will notice and be happy or the better for it. It’s also really great when the things I do on my own end up working out too. But it seems more often then not I screw up, or I can’t tell if they are being acknowledged. I mean I don’t know, this is who I am, I’m only trying to make things good. Maybe it’s because I’m terrified my faults will out weigh the things I have to offer, and they won’t make that person happy anymore. To say boring was hurtful to me, because I felt like that was another step to the whole thing breaking apart. My failure at being flirty or sexy or fun in any instance is one step closer to that person being unhappy. I get the strangest feeling that a lot of times, anytime I bring up a concern, if I haven’t thought it through completely logically, it will just get shot down. There won’t be any kind help with figuring out where it went wrong; it will just be I am wrong and dumb for not seeing it. It’s difficult. Especially with the limiting distance. But obviously I'm sublimely happy with everything else. This hiccup was due to the fact that I was worried I was failing. There’s so much I love and appreciate but I guess I have issues finding the right times to say or do things. It’s probably because of my lack of experience. I can’t help that. But doesn’t that mean I need more help understanding? Doesn’t that mean I often need reminding and patience? My immaturity level could probably be raised easier if I were helped prior to these incidences but that’s not how this will work out I’m sure. Mostly I have to stumble into situation to learn from them, and restart with a better understanding of what I should and should not be feeling. But knowing in the first place what makes that person tick helps me to avoid these hiccups. All I want to do is make other people happy, I cannot stand when someone is upset with me in any way, whether it be slightly annoyed, disappointed, upset, regret…I don’t even know. I feel the need to fix situations, and it’s sad when that’s not reciprocated. A lot of times when I am attempting to remedy, and learn from a mistake I have made, I feel I'm more annoying then anything. Sometimes my meanings are misinterpreted as I had said, but honestly I really just want to make it better for the sake of being happy. Even if we are so different in our approaches to life, how we operate and think about life, it doesn’t mean there isn’t middle ground where we could work it out. That’s all I want, and try to work for, is a positive outcome and deeper connection.