Brains!

It’s always this goddamn uphill battle. I feel so completely useless. Like nothing I do will fix his mistrust towards me. I fail at making him happy all the time it seems. I don’t even want to talk to other people, for fear he’ll think I’m talking to them because I can’t deal with “being so faraway” or “cheating” or whatever the reason is. I don’t know if I’m getting trapped because I’m terrified of him thinking the wrong things about situations where there is nothing going on. Maybe he just misses me is all, and it’s just a symptom? It’s just beyond my comprehension, this complete suspicion and assumption he has garnered for me. I’ve never been so mistrusted in all my life. It’s hard to tell what exactly the main reason is, until I practically rip it from his mouth. I know that this thoroughly saddens me. Mostly it’s because I’m getting shut out. Which I felt like might happen when I went away. This distance is breaking my heart. It hurts so much to feel the loss of everything that we had developed over break. That no matter what I do there is no way I can prove to him I’m not lying. At least in person he can see the way I look at him, and even though I don’t think he notices the way I do look at him, I don’t feel as completely hopeless about the whole situation, because I know I’m able to everything I can. Here 600 miles away, guh I hate it here, it’s so goddamn lonely and frustrating.

In other news. Creative writing is really testing me. I have to rip down the walls of “writing for myself” and share with people. My writing is shit! Half the time I don’t even know what I am saying. I’ve never written more then like 6 paragraphs for a non-academic piece! And forget poetry. I hope this class helps to break that habit. I really do. I’m interested to see what I can actually achieve. I’m hoping to rewrite some old Blog entries, probably pertaining to the beach, and my metaphors surrounding woods and moons and silly things that I make up in my mind.