Leaving

Friday morning, June 18th.

Take a step back. Listen.
I am without roots. I have no feeling of attachment to LA, to California, to anywhere.

But the thought of leaving Australia unfinished is making me tear up. It's strange, I feel like I'm leaving a person behind. A person I just met, but felt a special connection to. And this person is more important than any other. All my plans and priorities from back in the states seem like stupid spells I was trying to cast on myself to gain meaning, to impress, to please other people. But the most meaning I've felt in a long time, has been here, coming here, moving through this place. And I haven't even left the city. The notion that that feeling might increase exponentially if I move through more of Australia, is strong. Almost too strong. The meaning I might get from school, from job, seems quaint in comparison to this meaning I have discovered. It's like a crush, but one you know is meant to be. "You don't find lovers, they are always in you". I think it was always in me, for years it has always been in me. Like a heater in the corner, not used, but the idea is pleasant- then suddenly turning it on and being warmed up through toes.

No matter how cliche this sounds, but life is a series of moments, and you have to live in them. Listen to your heart, and live in them. In this moment, my heart aches at the thought of leaving things unfinished here. I've learned so much from my time here, from the people I have met, and the people I heard from back in the states. Everything has shaped this moment.

I'm coming back. I may not go back to school, I may not move out of my moms house, I may be heart broken still, I may be suppressing things, I may hurt other people. But I am coming back here.