Brains!

Selected pieces of writing:

i feel like someones submerging me in oil. on the other hand ive been very productive today as far as school goes. but everything else is being compressed and i am feeling it right down there in my toes, every portion of my body is wierdly anxious, i can hardly relax. im not really worried as im curious as to when i can get over whatever my problem is. what the fuck is my problem anyway. why is there someone stepping on my chest.

i seem to get attached to things when they are are my first things. im starting to wonder if i am going to eternally feel this way cause i made the decision to be friends. I never had a chance to get away from it. i wonder if it would have made a difference. all i know is that im still being affected by it even though i go in and out of being ok and being heartbroken and being angry. its becuase i have nothing else to think about cuase it was the only thing i have had that really meant anything. so when i think about times like that i think about those specific times and no others and so im just perpetuating this cycle of saying why? and why not? i cant get the only things i have out of my head!!!!

besides all that and with all that i thought of something else today. i once said to someone that instead of the hole thats in my heart being filled with what i had those days 19-25(feb), i just got something else added, the hole was still there but there was just other land to walk around on. and i could stay away from the hole. now the new piece of land has fallen through too leaving another hole to run into when i walk around.