Brains!

i just keep feeling utterly squished. i hate that my posting has reverted to this but its one of the only places i can really say everything i want to say without worrying if im talking to a wall or a tape recorder or someone who pretends to care. i really just dont understand what i did wrong. why couldnt have things ended with some crazy splat against a windsheild instead of being spread like butter. also why am i letting people bother me so much. past few days i almost cant handle being around certain people with out feeling like im being folded like origami. Im having major relapses and paranoia about stuff i thought i was over, i thought i could handle. I wish i could just go away for a while. i actually have that feeling that i had way back when i just wanted to go away and not know who i am just start in some random place and then come back after a few days of amnesia. i kinda feel like this whole past semester and a half has been some wierd cloak of fake-ness. like the way i feel right now is actually how i have always felt and will always feel and basically who i am fundamentally. maybe thats why travel appeals to me so much, maybe thats why my sister runs away so much. becuase for a short time when you are adapting to something completely new you have no time to think about yourself, you just have time to think about surviving and getting some sort of life. but then when you do and things settle in and stuff starts happening and you've adapted you have to pick up and leave because the cloak has fallen off and you go back to being your real self. but on this scale that i have recently come up with (becuase you know me i have to be able to measure and graph everything to understand) so now theres utter sadness then numbness and then happiness. the numbness is generally where i reside and i fall into either side of the spectrum sometimes. i am numb because i am nuetral about certain things cuase there is nothing i can do, or im just trying not to care. and i dont cry and i dont laugh i just sit there and space out. i dunno if thats a good explanation but its the best i can do for right now.