Brains!

After all the years I have said NO...jeezes it's like Humboldt is kicking me around in its muddy puddles. Either way, I have always said NO because I knew if I said yes a number of things could happen, and of course I did not want to take those risks, for four years now. Either way last night, on my own, without the peer pressure of anyone, I picked up an unlabeled cookie and ate the damn thing. I let my guard down on this one cookie, purely because I was not thinking. It did taste funny, but I knew they had to be some weird Vegan recipe that only Maddy would make. Either way at first when it started to hit me, I thought I was having a seizure or something. My brains seemed to be floating up through the top of my skull. I couldn't focus on killing in WoW. I kept just seeing things running around, but not being able to do anything about it. I grew dizzy and lay down. Then suddenly realized what might be happening to me, carefully walking to the kitchen I read the package and the notes inside, and sure enough in horrible hand writing "special" was scribbled. Practically crying now, I slunk back to my room, feeling embarrassed and guilty. I was so paranoid that Jordan would hate me, would judge me, would think I was making the whole thing up. I couldn't talk on vent to him, I was so scared he would be like, ew get away from me. It was the strangest fear I ever had. It scared me. Then I would start laughing, hysterically, I couldn't calm myself down. I think that's what I disliked most, I was not in control. Frantically trying to type, I kept saying I was sorry, kept telling him not to judge me, asking how I could stop it, should I throw up? Finally he said watch a movie, and that's what I did. I watched the birdcage, or rather parts of it, it seemed I kept spacing out, and I would forget what scene I just watched, or I would get angry and say that scene is not supposed to be there right now! It was horrible, I grew tired finally, and I buried myself in my blankets. At one point I had sent Aleisha a text message, asking what I should do. She laughed and said I should try drawing. Unfortunately that was not the fix I wanted. Jordan sent one asking if I was alive. I responded, yes I'm hiding, and some more nonsense about being sorry. Then late I sent one saying, I love you. But I wanted to add, I would never consciously do anything to jeopardize this. It was an accident, Please believe me, I don't do drugs, I'm not making this up. Luckily I passed out. But I slept lightly, anytime there was a noise in the house, I woke up. Later at 5:45 I got up to go to the bathroom, completely disoriented, I kept saying I need to send him an email right now.

It was the most horrible experience of my life. I hated the way I felt, absolutely hated it. I was so glad to have said NO all those previous times. The lack of control, the disorientation, the embarrassment, the guilt, all of it didn't seem worth it, or enjoyable on any level. I wondered if I had had this experience as a freshmen, how many people would laugh at me, how horrible it would have been. How easily that first time could turn into many and eventually I wouldn't have the noob symptoms. Guh! I feel so stupid. I mean looking back on it, I should be laughing. But I'm not, it was terrible. I feel like Humboldt wasn't going to let me go without it having happened either. I've turned my back on this place, and it kicked me in the ass.