Brains!

(warning past paragraph two, my thoughts are rambles)

Last night at around midnight, I had so much to write, but I had to force myself to sleep due to an exam this morning at 8. However that never works anyways, and I either dreamed I was awake for four hours or really was lying there, staring at the square of light floating above me. Mostly these days if I have the inclination to write something, it revolves around Jordan, and in order to not bore myself to tears with the same repetitive lovey dovey crap, I generally refrain from posting random scribblings in my journal entry on this thing. But last night, it wasn't really about being in love with him, as much as it was just perceptions I have about our relationship. Why in so many ways, it really doesn't make any sense that we are even together at all, and then in so many other ways we do make a lot of sense together. I don't really want to get into the detailed examples of why this may be. But rather last night in my insomnia I analyzed all the reason that people do and don't work together deeper then just interests and commonalities.

I think also in recent weeks, I have become so suddenly disgusted and confused as to why I dated James in the first place, that this cropped up. Also in our three way discussion with a good friend from WoW believe it or not, I finally put together why the break up went the way it did, and why actually it had to go that way, for my own personal development. Ultimately I was terrified. I couldn't abide by the thought that I would suddenly be ultimately alone, even though I knew that it needed to be happening. So I let us off easy. Slowly cutting him out, till this past winter break noticing that he wasn't even a consideration in my mind anymore, and that Jordan and suddenly stepped fully on the trail before. But I had no prior relationship experience to really deal with the break up any other way. Everything I was supposed to fumble with in High School I missed out on, and so in a rush of three years of my life, I did everything I was supposed to do in a series of dorky teenage relationships with James. Now I move forward having come out of that with a whirling head of craziness, eventually leading to my depressed lunatic state last semester. Honestly I don't really see how Jordan can stand me.

This is another topic of analysis, that last semester plagued me more then it does now. I don't really see what Jordan sees in me, if that makes any sense. I think it maybe that I just can't pick up on it, and for a long time I was completely distraught and couldn't accept that he did for some reason. Then when I finally became "normal" and my heart and mind finally let go, and I fell into him, it didn't really matter why. And even now I am still falling, and not anxious about the reasons. But generally I am curious, and always wondering what other people think of me. Why do people like me? I don't really seem to be able to key into my qualities. It would be interesting to know what he thought of me. However Jordan isn't the type of person to answer that question flat out. He would either answer with a sarcastic quip, or a question about why I was asking, or half heartedly answer in a way that would make me feel dumb. I would have to figure out some way to reach him in Jordan world, which is half the fun. Mostly it doesn't really matter on the grand scale of things, and since I know this, I have not made a retard of myself by asking and working myself in an anxious frenzy, which truly shows how content I am, and that this is more of a curiosity.

I could literally go on and on about the dynamics of me and the people around me, but I'll stop for now.