Brains!

Here is the worst part. It sneaks up on me, there’s no descent, and it’s a sudden drop.

I got back here, and eerily the smell of my house, the smell I hate, felt comforting for a few minutes. But when I looked in the mirror, there it was staring at me, and I knew why it had appeared and I mentally slapped myself, as I had the whole day. Suddenly I realized that I might be holding back, and I couldn’t figure out where the plug was to let it out. I had the strangest sensation I wasn’t looking at myself, but I had been removed and was sitting beside this person as they gazed that the red face. The reflection looked at me, with angry fists it beat at the glass, screaming, but I couldn’t hear anything. Yet I knew what it wanted; I could feel it tying my bones together. I wanted all his affection all at once, and I had never felt that about him prior. Before it was a strange feeling of confusion, about why it wasn’t happening on it’s own. But now I was angry, angry that I had to be standing at this place in line, after he had become hardened and shielded. I wanted to say let me in, do that for me and I will die. But I realized I had become closed off too. Suddenly I realized I was terrified of myself sounding romantically helpless. But I wanted that sweetness so badly. I get a version of it, a very meaningful version. But for some reason, as I have discovered, I have lost touch with my ability to show enthusiasm or appreciation. Anna asked me, when the last time I felt enthusiastic or excited. I replied, genuinely and on the extreme fringe of the spectrum when I was blinded and dizzy by emotions, was when James came to live with me and it was quite similar too when Jordan and I were talking on line the first few days, it rumbled deep within me, shooting out sparks of excitement about new things to come. But I’ve been stripped bare at some point and I didn’t notice. It’s like I’m a wall in a recently vacated house. No more pictures, my memories; no more bookshelves, my knowledge, and finally scratched the paint, my skin right off. Now I’m barren and shabby looking, plain and boring. In fact anytime anyone looks at me, they have a hard time seeing what could be worth it, resulting in them becoming rightfully frustrated and hurt. That in turn tears me up, because it is so far from the truth. The strange thing is, like I said, I feel like I’m holding back, like I have the capability to burst from my wooden frames, with fiery emotion and passion. More then tickles and cuddles and occasional kisses, and soft gorgeously surprising spoken words, I want it all the time, for him to be completely crazy about me, the way he might have been with whoever was first. It’s a freaky sounding thing to say, but I don’t mean it in an obsessive way, I mean it in a romantic first time way that can never happen again. We’re both hardened it seems, so changed, and it gives me an old feeling in my belly. And I know it can never happen the way it did first, but there has to be some sort of second chance version. Maybe he’s had it already with the various prior people, but this is my second time, so maybe that’s why my reflection was so angry. But now it’s quite chained up, rusting in it’s own wetness, leaning its forehead on the glass. Now back to being 700 miles apart till at least may 15, does not allow for any sort of intervention on my part. I know in this moment, I was to cuddle up in the nook of his arm, hold him super tightly, and say all the things I love about him to his face.

Some versuses from Dire Straights’ Romeo and Juliet song

Juliet the dice were loaded from the start
and I bet and you exploded in my heart
and I forget I forget the movie song
when you gonna realize it was just that the time was wrong Juliet?

Juliet when we made love you used to cry
you said I love you like the stars above I'll love you till I die
there's a place for us you know the movie song
when you gonna realize it was just that the time was wrong?